SCL

“Hey L.E. you ready for Awanas? Oh, that’s right, there’s no ‘s’ on the end of that word. There really should be. People get so upset when you add one, but unless there is only one Awana sitting in a room by themselves, much like my first meet and greet, that should really be pluralized.

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Even as I typed that headline I could hear the crackle of righteous lightning headed my way. It sounded like Rice Krispies cereal a little, not Fruity Pebbles, which is the breakfast equivalent of Fruit Stripes gum, fading into a gray mush the minute it gets within a ten foot radius of milk.

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I wasn’t going to write about this one. The Christmas season was going to come and go and I wasn’t even going to touch it. Like every fraternity at Samford University’s view of Freshman Jon Acuff, I was going to reject this.

Until I saw the billboard.

Sunday night, driving home from vacation with my family outside of Atlanta, GA, I saw a new billboard.

On a background of festive red, with big white letters I read a simple message:

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Wow, sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time right now. That sounds really hard. Have you tried flipping your Bible open? No, I don’t mean reading your Bible, I mean “flipping it open.” Literally just flipping it open to whatever page your hand lands on and then reading that verse?

I don’t want to brag, but I have a 100% track record of success with that approach. Maybe that’s my spiritual gift. Is there anything written about the “art of the flip” in the Bible? I wouldn’t know because I’ve never read the whole thing, but there must be, because I’m really, really good at it.

Sometimes when straight flipping to a verse feels too easy, I’ll bust out a move like magician David Blaine and throw the Bible in the air against a window. Whatever verse it opens up on is the one I go with.

But you’re an amateur, so you should probably start with the simple approach and just flip your fingers through the pages like the wheel on Price is Right. Big money, big money, clickity, clickity, Jeremiah!

See that, I landed on Jeremiah 38:7. Let’s see what the Bible has to say today about your uncle’s gambling problem which is perplexing you right now:

“But Ebed-Melech, a Cushite, an official in the royal palace, heard that they had put Jeremiah into the cistern. While the king was sitting in the Benjamin Gate,”

OK, OK is your uncle by any chance named “Ebed-Melech?” No? Is he a Cushite? Has he ever vacationed near the Benjamin Gate? No? Hmmmm.

Ahhh, I see what’s going on. Your uncle loves to gamble right? Well have you ever been to the casinos in Philadelphia, Mississippi in July? I know, that name doesn’t even make sense, it’s like calling your city, “Chicago, Arkansas,” but I promise you it’s a very real place. And although it’s a nice place, during the summer, Philadelphia, Mississippi is like a cistern. It’s about 1,000 degrees, the air is so humid you can drink it, and there are rows and rows of people physically attached to nickel slot machines by gambling card necklaces they wear. Very cistern like.Very, very Benjamin gateish.

Wow, man. What a fliptastic interpretation! Sometimes I even surprise myself.

You’re welcome.

What? Context? Meaning? Bigger picture of the theological ramifications of the text’s heart and soul? That’s adorable. You need to trust in the gift of the flip. I’ll pray for you.

Clickity, clickity.

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Unless you live outside of the United States, never follow college football or currently attend Florida State, you are required by Christian law to root for University of Florida quarterback, Tim Tebow.

I’m sorry if you disagree with me. I don’t write the laws. I just distribute them when they are dropped off on my doorstep by a pure white dove named Cornelius who works for the Southern Baptist Convention. The stories I could tell about the adventures me and that bird have found ourselves in. Wow! Another day, another day.

If you’ve never heard of him, Tim Tebow is the quarterback for the highly ranked Florida Gators and more importantly, a huge fan of God. His willingness to spread the name of Christ through the vehicle of football is honestly really cool and I am not just saying that because he could crush me like a grape while I flailed my tender writer hands around like a helicopter in self defense.

I dig Tim Tebow.

In fact I dig him so much that I am going to offer him a few words of wisdom for free. I know, I know, I’m a giver.

Here’s some advice for any famous Christian athlete:

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(It finally happened. I wrote a post last year in which I bemoaned the fact that no one would paint a mural of the scene in the Bible where Elisha orders bears to kill a bunch of teenagers. Well, a really talented comic book artist, named Wes Moelbash, actually illustrated it. (The link to his site is now updated and correct, please go show Wes some love.) The post is below and the illustration is after the jump. Check it out.)

Refusing to paint my mural.

I think Bible story murals might be slowly dying. As much as we love them, I am starting to see them at less and less churches. The days of having Noah’s Ark painted on the walls of your area for kids is slowly giving way to more contemporary creative visual interpretations of the Bible. And I’m fine with that as long as someone will finally paint my idea for a mural. I am of course talking about the scene in 2 Kings when the prophet Elisha orders some bears to attack teenagers who called him bald.

Go ahead and reread that last sentence, it’s a weird one. But here’s what it says in 2 Kings 2:23-24:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

That story is insane and here’s how I envision the mural. Elisha is standing in the middle of all these angry, bald hating teenagers. He looks really enraged and the caption out of his mouth says, “Do you know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby! You’re gonna die!” And then in the corner of the mural are two huge bears with hockey sticks. I’m not sure why they have hockey sticks but it seems a little tougher to me.

That’s my idea, but so far churches are refusing to take me up on it.

Until today that is …

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What? Who is calling me this early? Which one of my friends is up right now and not engaged in a quiet time, like I am? Sweaty heathen. And they’re calling me?

I’m not answering the phone. I’m in the middle of a quiet time. Come on, stop calling. I see your number, I know your name, we’ll talk later. I’m in the middle of a quiet, reflective moment with God. I need a prayer closet. No forget that, I need a prayer bunker. Possibly somewhere under ground. Maybe a prayer lair that spits on fog from one of the fog machines they use in youth groups. Fine, I’ll pick up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, I’m just doing my quiet time right now. What are you doing?”

Pause.

“Oh you’re driving to work? Cool, well it’s been good talking to you. I’m going to get back to this quiet time. I’ll call you later. No, seriously, I want to hear about the divorce you’re going through but I’ll give you a call after I’m done reading God’s word. Yeah, I gotta go” …

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