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Posts Tagged ‘serious wednesdays’

The question we all ask.

Sep 1st by Jon
#846.

Life is like a hurricane, here in Duckburg.

Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes, it’s a duck-blur.

Might solve a mystery or rewrite history …

If you grew up like I did, you know the next words that to gem of a song. It’s “DuckTales, ooohhh, ooohhh.” That’s the chorus to the show DuckTales. My wife bought volume 1&2 on DVD for the move up to Franklin, Tennessee and my kids have loved them. And why shouldn’t they? That song is the jam. I hope someday that Timbaland and Justin Timberlake will do a remix. Maybe even throw in Ludacris. He makes his own cognac now, how easy would that be to rhyme with the word, “Quack.” (Sippin on Luda cognac, while my books Huey, Duey and Louie say, “Quack, quack.” Phresh!)

#841.

I realized the other day, that at least six of my friends have had affairs.

And they’ve all told me the same thing:

Making horrible trades.

Aug 18th by Jon
#836.

We have a bit of a problem at our house.

One of our daughters is highly creative and one is highly generous. That means at any given time, the creative one is coming up with elaborate plans to trade rocks and sticks to the generous one for candy or toys. Thus lies the central issue at the great “Silly Bandz crisis of 2010.”

Though I swear we have given them both the same number of Silly Bandz, somehow, like a tiny, adorable Napoleon, my 6 year old has acquired most of my 4 year old’s Silly Bandz. She walks around with them all on one arm like some sort of child sized Slick Rick covered in rapper jewelry.

#826.

On Sunday afternoon, my wife sent me to Costco to “buy a mattress,” with my brother Will. That is exactly what we did. We bought a mattress. Hours later, back at the house, she said, “Where’s the box springs?” I, having not been told to purchase box springs, said, “What box springs?”

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#817.

“So why are you airing our dirty laundry in front of the world? They already hate us, why give them ammunition?”

Someone online told me that a few weeks ago about something I wrote concerning us Christians. Their fear was that I was adding more fuel to an already ugly fire. Their concern was that the world already feels we’re hypocritical or fake or unloving, do we really want to agree with them? And I honestly thought they were asking a very smart, kind-hearted question. Should we really admit our bumps and bruises and failures?

Too much grace.

Jul 14th by Jon
#812.

A few weeks ago, someone online requested a DVD copy of me being sent to hell. When I told my youngest brother Bennett this, his reaction was simple:

“Oh come on! DVD? Doesn’t heaven have better technology than that at this point? At the bare minimum I have to believe they’ve got Blu-ray.”

The last option.

Jul 7th by Jon
#807.

For about a year or four, my wife and I didn’t have a membership to Costco. Correction, we didn’t have an active membership to Costco. We didn’t pay the $45 to renew our card because we used to buy ridiculously large things we didn’t need. So instead, we would just walk around and pretend the food samples were really just a large, geographically scattered buffet line.

#803.

“You don’t need novocaine. I’m just going to use this drill to shape your tooth a little.”

My dentist told me that yesterday. If I didn’t have a complicated contraption in my mouth at the time, I would have replied, “You’re using a high powered drill to shape my tooth and you don’t feel like that requires novocaine? Seriously? Novocaine was meant for moments like this like the Kardashians were meant to date professional athletes.”

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#798.

If you asked me last week if I had anything in common with Twilight star Robert Pattinson, I would have said, “Yes, we’re both bipeds, we have hair that borders on Conan O’Brien height levels and we’re constantly harassed by lycanthropes.”

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Two “F words.”

Jun 16th by Jon
#794.

My first attempts at getting a job in Atlanta were a parade of colorful failures. I sent out dozens of resumes with no response. I flew from Boston one day for the sole purpose of meeting with an executive who ultimately refused to even accept my resume. He wouldn’t take it from me. He literally shot blocked me at breakfast.

And then something incredibly awkward happened.

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