If I ever finish my book and become a Christian author “thousandaire,” I am going to throw a really big Halloween alternative event. Christians love those. The most popular format is where you have people get candy out of the trunks of cars in the church parking lot. My event is going to be called “Junk in the Trunk” and I’ll probably be able to get Sir-Mix-A-Lot to come DJ if I pay him like $42 and a bus ticket. Trust me, he’s available. But it’s true, we hate Halloween. Probably because of the witches and the magic and the blood and the zombies. We can’t stand zombies. So instead, we throw Halloween alternative events that teach little kids that there is candy in car trunks. Probably not the safest thing to do, but what can I say, we hate Halloween.