Every now and then, a minister will feel inspired to have everyone in the crowd hold hands. Which of course is awesome. But all too often, I find that Christians violate the three simple rules of hand holding. So as a service to the greater Christian population, I’m like the Billy Graham of sarcasm, I thought I would quickly review the three things you should never do when holding hands with strangers:
1. Interlink your fingers
This is way, way, way too intimate to do if you don’t know me and are not married to me. But some people do it. Instead of doing the “hey pal I know we’re holding hands which is weird but oh well” palm in palm grip, they weave their sweaty fingers between yours. As soon as someone does that to me, the 13-year old in me automatically thinks, “this person is trying to make out with me.” Don’t do this ever.
2. The “you’re great squeeze”
For some reason lots of Christians feel the need to punctuate a good hand hold with a tiny gesture. They want closure. But please, avoid the temptation to end the hand holding session with a “Jesus loves you” squeeze. It’s nowhere near as intimate as interlinking, but it still feels a little creepy coming from a man in his mid-50s that up to 30 seconds ago I had never seen in my entire life.
3. The linger
When it becomes clear that the hand holding is over, I expect you to let go of my hand like a bank robber fleeing the scene of the crime. Seriously, let’s not be the last people pressed together with our hands awkwardly connected. Think of letting go as a race. I want us to win. I want you and I to set new land speed record in letting go. Come on, we can do it. Eye of the tiger. Eye of the freaking tiger.
Those are not the only hand holding techniques or rules if you will, just mine.
What rules do you swear by when it comes to holding hands with strangers at church?
(Thanks to the handful, that was awful of me, of people that suggested this topic.)
