If Testamints are a gift from God, then Fruit Stripe gum is a curse from Satan. If you’ve never had it, then don’t. Be nice to your mouth. But if you have chewed Fruit Stripe gum, you know exactly what I am talking about. The flavor is amazing, it’s like this cornucopia of fruit and happiness swing dancing on your tongue. For about 4 seconds. Then the flavor disappears and you’re left with something that feels surprisingly like chewing a piece of wet cardboard.
This is about Testamints though, one of God’s top three favorite candies. I’ve never had a Testamint but I have had a mint and I have read the Bible so I feel like I’ve had the experience on some level. And I guess I think of this just like I think of that $49.95 cross I wrote about a few weeks ago. It’s just more stuff. Stuff to buy. Stuff to wear. Stuff to eat. But to tell you the truth, Testamints are no longer my favorite God product. Here’s the new number one in my heart, soul and wallet:
HeavenScent Shea Butter Hand Cream
That’s right, I said HeavenScent. Apparently heaven smells like Shea Butter. And here is the description of the product from the website I saw it on:
“Not only will this gift leave her skin feeling smooth and silky, it is also a great way to share your hope and faith in Chris.”
I’m not sure who this Chris character is, but apparently he likes our skin soft and our hearts tender. And before you think I’m making fun of a mom and pop website selling something their grandmother pioneered in their basement, I’m not. This is from one of the largest Christian retailers in the country. Sure, it’s a simple typo and I have made lots on my own site, but calling Christ “Chris” when you try to sell holy hand cream is like … nope I am out of analogies. I can’t even describe what it’s like. It’s so silly I have zero analogies to properly capture it’s silliness. I trust you will provide one.
Update: I just got an email from the website that said “Chris” instead of “Christ” and they are tweaking the typo. That is honestly very cool. I once wrote the phone number down incorrectly for one of the largest retail chains in the country (not this Christian one) in a newspaper ad I created. That was not very cool.