I’m comfortable with it. I mean I’m 32, my hair is going white and when it does I am going to grow it out like Mark Twain and probably wear white suits every day and say things like “my old knee is acting up, must be a storm fixin’ to blow through here.” That’s just how I roll. But recently a relative told me they wanted to pluck their daughter’s monobrow. The daughter in question is 1.
How does something like this happen? As usual, I have a theory. I blame baby dedications at church. I know, this week I made fun of old ladies and now babies. I’m quite the gentleman. But this isn’t about the babies. It’s about the pageantry and splendor of baby dedications. Here are some things you need to remember about baby dedications:
1. Earrings
A few months ago I heard my friend’s toddler yelling in the background of a phone conversation we were having. I asked what was wrong and he said, “He put the end of a computer power cord in his mouth and got a small shock. I gotta do a better job of baby proofing this room.” The kid was alright, but my friend spoke the truth. When you’re a parent, part of your job is to keep dangerous objects away from kids. That’s why it’s odd to me that people get their baby’s ears pierced. If you saw your baby with a sharp, small, easy to swallow piece of metal in her hand you would freak out, but it’s perfectly fine to attach two to the baby’s head? Let’s just give the kids pocket knives or pet badgers. Both of those make about as much sense as giving shiny, pokey earrings to babies.
2. A gown is a dress.
Baby dedications might be the only time you see little boys decked out in dresses. I know, I know, it’s not a dress, it’s a “gown.” Where have I heard that word gown before, oh that’s right, my wedding. My wife wore a wedding gown. It was lovely. But for some reason we’ll put our little dudes in white, flowing gowns without feet for the baby dedication.
3. No hair should mean no bow.
Have you ever seen a baby with a bow stuck to like 12 pieces of hair? What’s the rush? It’s going to happen someday. Your kid will have long, beautiful hair that you can bow to your heart’s content, but if at any point you have to use scotch tape to stick a bow to their bowling ball bald head it’s time to question your decision making process.
4. No more bedazzling.
At the dentist we go to, they give little girls that behave free makeup kits. Now granted, when my daughters are teenagers they will be wearing full snowsuits to school so makeup won’t be an issue, but right now they like playing with it. My two-year old applied an entire tube of purple lipstick to her head. Not her lips or her cheeks, but her head. We took her to Wal-mart and looked like the worst parents of the decade pushing around this little purple headed baby. It was funny, but there’s nothing funny about babies wearing makeup at dedication events. There is no such thing as “just a little makeup” when it comes to babies. Please, no blush, no rouge, no foundation, no eyeliner, no way should I know that many phrases about makeup.
I’m not against baby dedications, I think they can be a beautiful ceremony that the entire church benefits from. But at no point should you ever think, “I gotta get some new head shots for my baby before we dedicate her.”
