Ten years ago, if you drank coffee during the middle of a church service you were known as “that coffee guy” or “that tea lady.” It’s not that it was unheard of, but it certainly wasn’t as popular as it is today. Now, forgetting your coffee cup before service is like leaving your Bible at home. While the rest of the people sitting near you enjoy Triple foam Hazelnut Creme Flavor Mocha Venti Explosions, you sit there like some sort of drinkless hobo. It’s embarrassing.
When I open up the SCL gift shop, which will have all 6 promise products, I’m going to sell a Bible with a hollowed out spine that you can put coffee in. There will be a little screw top spout at the top and anytime you need a sip you can just tip your Bible back. I’ll call it, “the bean of God” or the “JAVA edition of the Bible” or “hot coffee hidden inside a Bible.” The last one lacks pizazz but they can’t all be winners.
But how did this happen? How did coffee mount such a successful assault on churches? I have a few ideas:
1. Caffeine is good.
Pastors realized that a well-caffeinated audience isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The idea of having wide awake people in the crowd listening to what you are saying is pretty good.
2. Coffee cartel.
I can’t prove this, but maybe a secret body of churches got together with Big Coffee. They agreed to allow coffee in church as long as certain Big Coffee establishments stopped printing cups with those “the way I see it” statements on them. We hate those. Those deserve their own post.
3. Coffee became an accessory.
A lot of my friends don’t drink coffee because they like it. They drink it because they like the idea of coffee. They like being associated with a specific brand, which is kind of hip I guess. So it’s like putting on a watch or wearing a certain pair of shoes. It says something about you.
4. Hand clapping.
Drinking coffee gives you the perfect excuse not to clap your hands. “Awww, I would love to clap awkwardly right now but as you can see, my hands are full. Shucks.”
I’m sure there are a lot of other reasons why we’re trying to make Juan Valdez the newest disciple, but those are the only ones I can think of right now. I haven’t had enough coffee yet.
I just want to say that I love what the Dav suggested below: “Father, Son and Holy Roast.” That killed me. I think this is going to be a fun topic.