Eight years ago, while we were dating, my wife and I went to a Y2k gun show. I know, I know ladies, I’m a real catch. But I didn’t go because I own guns or hunt boar or needed a brochure on how to make squirrel jerky. (Although I did get that brochure.) I went because I’m really fascinated by people and I had the sense there would be some interesting people there. I was not disappointed.
In addition to hearing people say things like, “when the banks collapse, bullets will be currency,” I was able to get a pretty fantastic shirt. On the front it says, “If you can’t get out …” and on the back it says, wait for it, “… you better get ready.” I’m not sure where “out” technically is and to tell you the truth I always thought it was about getting “off” the gird, not “out” of anything. But that’s not the point. The point is, that place was awesome and until recently it was on my list of top ten most awesomest places. (If you listen closely you can almost hear the readers that hate my grammar printing out my profile photo, taping it to a pillow and punching it.)
Why was it pushed off the list? Because a new contender has arrived. I am of course talking about the room in which Christian radio stations decide which secular songs should be played.
I don’t know what you envision, but I believe this room has serious chairs in it, a long dark wooden table and one of those reversible mirrors they have at police stations. Behind that mirror, watching in silence sits a triad of the most powerful people in Christian culture. One of the members is Thomas Kinkade and the others are, well I’ve said too much already. Let’s get back to the room.
Based on an Atlanta Christian station’s decision to play Natasha Bedingfield’s song “Unwritten” 194 times a day, here is a recent conversation that probably happened in that room:
Man:
“Man oh man, that Daughtry is killing on the station. Just awesome. Who knew an American Idol star could be so big. After Fantasia, Ruben, Taylor, Katherine and everyone else had disappeared from that show I was a little worried. And I had no idea he was a Christian.”
Woman:
“Well, most people don’t, but he thanks ‘his Lord and Savior’ in his album liner notes which according to Stuff Christians Like is a sure sign. Better yet, he hasn’t Evanescenced us yet, which apparently Jon is going to write about at some point.
Man:
“I understand only 14% of the things you’re saying right now. Stuff Christians Like?”
Woman:
“Don’t worry about it, it’s just some sassmouth site about God and Christianity. But we do need to worry about finding a new song.”
Man:
“What about that song ‘Amen’ by Kid Rock?”
Woman:
“Can’t, it violates the station’s rule, ‘never play music by someone who got married to Pamela Anderson on a boat.'”
Man:
“What about that Nickelback song, ‘If everyone cared,’ it also prominently features the word ‘amen’ in the chorus.”
Woman:
“True, but their other song out right now is about strippers and leading the rock star life. They’re using the word ‘amen’ like people say ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes. Wait, I’ve got it. Natasha Bedingfield’s song ‘Unwritten’ is perfect.”
Man:
“Whoa, I don’t know, she’s got the word ‘bed’ in her last name, sounds a bit scandalous to me.”
Woman:
“Oh stop, no listen, she was part of a Christian pop group a while ago. Her brother Daniel got a little famous with his song ‘gotta get through this,’ with an acoustic version which was great. But ‘Unwritten’ has all the signs of a secular song we can use on our Christian radio station.”
Man:
“Really? Isn’t Natasha Bedingfield the one that had that song, ‘I wanna have your babies?'”
Woman:
“Yeah but that’s about fidelity and commitment. Listen, secular stations have been playing ‘unwritten’ for two years which is about as long a head start as we like to give them. Unwritten has really upbeat lyrics like, ‘today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.’ That feels like chewing bubble gum made of rainbows and sunshine. And last but not least, a church in Atlanta used the title ‘Unwritten’ for a sermon series. It’s a perfect storm.
Man:
“Awesome. If we could just figure out if recent American Idol winner David Cook used to have a Christian band called, ‘this Cook won’t burn’ we’d be all set!”
I’m not sure that’s exactly how it happens but that’s my guess.
p.s. If you missed it over the weekend, make sure you check out, “the everyone is on vacation, anything goes church service” post. The comments about how churches do things differently on the Sundays before holidays are great.
