During the late 90s, I got caught up in swing dancing. I know that sounds silly, but one summer a series of different things kind of collided in pop culture that made it impossible to ignore swing dancing. Brian Setzer had a big album out, the Big Bad Voodoo Daddys had a popular song and the movie Swingers was kind of sweeping the nation. So with very little awareness of what I was doing, I often found myself swing dancing at some bar in Birmingham, Alabama.
After a few weeks of doing this, I met a girl that I started to dance with regularly. Night after night we would dance for three hours together and then disappear into our own worlds. Finally, after enjoying each other’s company for a few months, we decided we should go on a date. She suggested we go to church together.
I have mixed emotions about “church dates.” I think church is a good thing. I think dates are a good thing, but when you combine the two, what you are left with is often quite sucktacular. I look at it this way, I like a little mayonnaise in potato salad. I also like watermelon. Individually, I think they are fine foods. If someone ever offered me “a watermelon mayonnaise sandwich” I would probably pass.
The problem with the church date is that right away, you are essentially telling the other person, “I would love to go on a date with you as long as there are a few hundred witnesses in a very well lit, God-focused location that may or may not involve hymns and partaking in the body of Christ through communion.” Sounds fun.
Now, I am completely confident that several of you had your best dates at church, that you married the guy that took you on a church date and that you think I must be crazy. I’m glad you had a good time on your church date. I just think there are a few ways we could make church dates even better.
1. Pray that the minister asks you to hold hands.
I am normally against the forced hand hold, but if you are on a date, you should hope that the minister asks the congregation to hold hands. I’m not saying you do the interlink digit thing, you barely know this person, but still it might be nice.
2. Make a church date mix tape.
This is actually easier than it sounds. Just put the song “I can only imagine” on a CD 13 times. Then add one Prince song, preferably “When Doves Cry” because save for the eagle, the dove is the most appreciated bird in Christianity.
3. Take lots of notes during the sermon.
If you don’t sing, take extensive notes during the sermon and aggressively greet the people around you when given the chance, you should just wear a t-shirt that says, “This is the only date I will have with this person.”
4. Volunteer for the two-year old class.
If the other person suggests church, accept the idea quickly. Then up the ante by calling your children’s ministry and volunteering to work the two-year old class that morning. The date is already going to be a little weird, I say just amplify the weirdness.
5. See if the worship leader will give you a synthesizer solo a la Will Ferrell
If you know the worship leader ask she or he if you can do a synth solo during the middle of worship. Then during “How great is our God” you can lean over to your girl or guy casually, roll up your sleeves and say “I’ll be right back, I gotta go take care of some business.”
6. Tell him you want to go dutch on the tithe.
When the usher comes by with the offering bucket, take it from him like he’s a waiter with a bill and say, “We’re not together, could we please get separate buckets.”
The swinger girl and I never tried to date again. We realized our entire relationship revolved around, well, revolving. But the church date definitely didn’t help things.
