It’s probably not good that I measure the quality of my group prayers by the number of grunts of affirmation I get. What are those? A grunt of affirmation is when you pray in a group and someone near you says, “Mhm” or “Unh” or some other grunt like statement that means, “I’m down with that.”
But like most things at church, there’s really no way to measure the quality level of a prayer. And recently when I created the Metrosexual Worship Leader score card, I think a lot of lives where changed. I mean, prior to that list, who knew that owning a pair of pumas added points to your score while wearing a pair of suspenders in a non ironic fashion subtracted points? With that in mind, here is the group prayer score guide.
The Stuff Christians Like Prayer Score Guide
1. Someone grunts positively while you are praying = +1 point
2. Someone says “yes!” while you are praying = +2 points
3. Someone says “yes Jesus!” while you are praying = +3 points
4. Someone says “I’m not praying for that” after you finish = minus 3 points
5. Your wife or husband give you the “wrap it up” tap during your prayer = minus 2 points
6. Someone in your small group references your prayer later = +1 point
7. The pastor references your prayer later = +3 point
8. Someone shot blocks your prayer, praying the opposite of what you just said = minus 2 points
9. Someone puts their hand on your shoulder while you pray = +2 points
10. Someone attempts to put their hand over your mouth while you pray = minus 2 points
11. You say the word “just” too much while praying e.g. “Just hear us Lord, just hear our cries.” = minus 1 point per each usage
12. You over repeat God’s name as if He has forgotten it e.g. “God, Lord, Father, Alpha and Omega we pray to you Holy One, Messiah” = minus 1 point per each usage
13. You say “sweet baby Jesus” while praying = +1 point per each usage
14. You pray after the appointed “closer” has ended the prayer session = minus 5 points
15. You pray so long that some people start jingling their car keys as an indication of their desire to leave = minus 1 point
16. You quote an entire Bible verse in the middle of your prayer = + 1 point
17. The verse is from the King James Version = +2 points
18. After, you are asked to pray again in the future = +4 points
19. After, you are asked to consider exploring another religion instead of Christianity = 0 points
20. Your microphone, if on stage, is cut off during the prayer it is so long = minus 2 points
21. You find a way to reference the “Booty, God, Booty” post during your prayer = +10 points
22. The grumpy elder or deacon at your church tries to knock you out with a sleeper hold during your prayer as a way to get it to end = minus 2 points
23. People clap during your prayer = +3 points
24. Instead of praying, you do a recap of the sermon we’ve just heard = 0 points
25. You use fancy “God words” during your prayer that you don’t ever use in your other conversations = minus 2 points per each usage
Those are my 25, but I have to believe that I forgot some. I’m curious though, what is your average prayer score? (And if you post a comment that says, “Pray is our chance to communicate with the Lord, not earn points or keep score. I hope you like your fold out couch in hades” I will think you are silly like me, just in a different way.)
