I am fantastic at sweating. If it were an Olympic event, then China would just go ahead and mail the medals to my house. If it were a superpower, kids around the world would be playing with my action figure named “the sweatster.” If you could get paid to sweat, I would be wearing pants made of solid gold right now. Alas, I am not.
But, I am not the only one with a borderline inhuman ability to conjure up a torrent of sweat. Lots and lots of pastors can too. And when I see one on stage, I admit, I find it a little hypnotic.
I wrote once that one of my favorite things to do when I see some pastor up there pouring buckets, is to play “sweat drop race.” That’s where, if you are close enough to see their shimmering head, you pick out a sweat drop you think is going to make it to the safety of the shirt collar before all the other drops. Then you anxiously wait as it slowly careens its way down the side of the face, so close, so close, you win!!
That’s not very mature of me. Neither was the alliteration pun I worked into the title of this post. So to make up for both of those things I thought I would give pastors a few tips on how to deal with sweat on stage:
1. Change clothes. Often.
I think it would be funny if like Mr. Rogers, the pastor did a wardrobe change in the middle of the sermon in the middle of the stage. (Not the pants. How dare you? I wish you were taking this sweat post seriously.) Every 15 minutes or so he could just casually walk over to a little table with a new shirt on it and then switch them mid sentence. It would be even better if he went behind the plexi-glass drummerquarium and pretended he didn’t know it was see through. Oh that is rich, that is rich indeed.
2. Invent something called the “prayer towel.”
The professional football team called the Pittsburgh Steelers have become well known over the years for their “terrible towels.” Simple black and yellow towels, these terry cloth accessories have been a rallying cry for the fans and are now a part of the experience when you go to a game. People love waving them around and using them as a source of inspiration for the team. Do the same thing. Invent a “prayer towel.” Instead of closing your eyes when you pray, ask people to “take out their prayer towels” and put them over their eyes. You can quickly wipe your head while everyone is using their prayer towel and you might even create a trend.
3. Preach from inside the baptismal.
This is going to be the hardest one to slip by the congregation but it might be worth it. Do your next sermon series while standing inside the baptismal. In addition to probably getting in the newspaper, you’ll also be able to enjoy the cool, refreshing waters all sermon long. Is that sacrilegious? Without a doubt. Would it keep the sweat down for you? Probably.
4. Embrace it.
God made you and me sweaty. There it is, we are sweaty, sweaty, sweaty people. Stop fighting it. Ignore all the other three points and make sweat your calling card. Come up with a great alliteration like “Sweaty Saves Souls,” get some deodorant company to sponsor your church and say things like “the sermon won’t stick, unless I’m slick.” All of that sounds like a pretty classy thing to do, right?
Those are my four ideas to help sweaty ministers. If you’ve already read a blog today that provided such a scientific analysis of ministerial sweat, I am sorry to have wasted your time. Please though, remember this: If you ever hear me speak, I promise, I will at some point ask you to get out your prayer towel.
