The other day I bought a copy of Relevant Magazine. I need to do a whole post on that magazine, but what struck me when I opened it up was the sheer number of ads for Christian Music Festivals. I’m talking about big single day events or multi-day concerts where speakers and musicians converge to throw a big celebration. I need to write about 10 different pieces on those but for today I thought it might be good to create a “holiness scale” for the names of the events. (I know, finally someone is going to do that. We’ve all been waiting.)
Before I do that though, let’s review the names of my sites, since my favorite person to point a finger at is me. The site caniwearjeans.com is not at all holy, that could be a site about golf course etiquette. 97secondswithgod.com sounds a little more holy but also sounds a little like a place you can get a Christian oil change. Stuffchristianslike.net is better, but come on, that’s not even original. And prodigaljon.com? Ugh, I see what I did, I switched the s in son for the j in jon. A Bible pun! Well done.
All that to say, I am not the best namer of events or sites or things. And if you aren’t either, hopefully this chart will give you some guidance.
We’ll be using the following scale to measure the holiness of the names:
0 Angels = Not at all holy. What do you love satan?
1 Angel = Not great. You’ll still probably be going to the fiery pit but you’ll get a slightly less hot section.
2 Angels = Better. It sounds a little holy but perhaps only in name.
3 Angels = Bless you and what you are doing you holy person.
4 Angels = The heavens are open and singing glory, glory at the naming of your festival.
Spring Celebration is not holy at all. That could be a convention about anything. That could be a cat show or a knife show or a flower show or a comic book show. Why do you keep doing stuff like this to sweet baby Jesus? An angel loses it’s wings every time you have a general sounding name.
Cornerstone isn’t bad as a name but I know a few construction companies named that. Dreamit sounds like something Tony Robbins or Stephen Covey, motivational speakers, might speak at and Alive could be a heart attack survivor’s festival.
Desperation earns points because in their subhead they have the word God, but the word Desperation by itself sounds like an EMO festival. Not Christian Emo, just Emo. Creation is a little better but could be an art festival and was so hot one year my cousin renamed it “Cremation.” Soulfest sounds like an R&B festival. Joyfest, Heartfest and Spiritsong all sound a little new age to me, as if I could buy crystals and hemp woven boxer shorts there.
Now we’re talking. Sonfest and Kingfest! Sonfest wins holy points for the pun. The only issue with Kingsfest is that it could be confused with one of the medieval events where you can watch people joust and eat giant turkey legs.
Icthus has taken the cake. Is there a more holy sounding music festival than this one? I submit no. It’s kind of hard to say, it makes you feel like you’re speaking another language fluently and no one would ever confuse this with an Ozzy show. Well done, Icthus, well done.
There’s my list. When I start my church, we’re going to hold a festival called “Tomlintastical God is Rockin’ and Pop and Lockin Festival.” You should come. It will be awesome.