I don’t care if you grew up in Croatia or California. If you ever misbehaved during church as a child, then your mom or dad administered a “church grab.” This is that subtle move when they reach out across the seats or pews and, with a kung fu grip, grab some chunk of you to make you stop whatever it is you are doing. It’s an effective deterrent from acting up during the middle of the sermon.
But I’m a dad now and I was recently horrified to learn how little this topic had been covered from an academic perspective. I mean at the heart, I’m a pretty serious scientist of awesomeness, but so few websites do the church grab justice. That’s why I decided to match different variations of the church grab to the different belt levels you earn in Kenpo karate. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh great, another guy writing about how you can earn your black belt in the church grab, real unique buddy.” You got me, that’s exactly what I am going to do.
White Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Low, anyone can do this move.
What it means: “Stop it! Right this second, stop that.” This is a blanket move meant to cover a variety of offenses. At this point your mom is bothered but not enraged by your behavior.
Yellow Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Low to Medium.
What it means: “Be quiet! Stop making all that noise.” This church grab is focused on sound issues. You’re talking with your brother too loudly or singing the bulletin doodle song (“Doodle, doodle, doodle, sing my song. Doodle, doodle, doodle, cause the sermon’s long.”)
Orange Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Medium, we’re starting to see some technique
What it means: “If you touch your brother again, you are in trouble.” Ouch, mom’s starting to apply a little pressure. This church grab is to limit any kind of pushing or hitting or kicking you are doing to your brother or sister. She scooted too close to you and you shoved her back down the pew which caused her to slide into the elderly gentleman next to her, starting a chain reaction of people bumping each other.
Purple Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Medium to High
What it means: “Put that away right now. Put it under your seat and do not pick it up again. I can’t believe you brought that in church.” Uh oh, you’ve got something you shouldn’t have in God’s sanctuary. Doesn’t really matter what it is. It could be anything from your pet snake to some sort of gummy snack you grabbed from home. You have some contraband and dad is not going to let that slide.
Brown Belt Church Grab
Skill level: High
What it means: “When we leave today, I am taking away your television privileges, including all your video games and your gameboy and anything else in life that gives you enjoyment. That is going to leave a bruise on that poor lady.” Oh no, you threw something. You had a pencil or an eraser or a hymnal and you just launched it into the air because there’s something beautiful about the way it arches through the otherwise silent air, fluttering like a dove, eventually landing on someone’s head near the front row. But now you’re grounded. Was it worth it? Yes, yes it was.
Black Belt Church Grab
Skill level: Extreme skill. Bail out Maverick, this will be bad
What it means: “Come with me.” This is the worst possible thing that can happen during church. You’re about to be sent to the car. Your mom or dad is giving you the “holy heave ho,” kicking you out of church like a bouncer throwing out a drunk who is causing trouble at a bar. Nothing good can come of this. I promise.
For the record, my mom has a black belt in the church grab. I think that on some level, all pastor’s wives learn to become skilled in this secret art. And my brothers and I certainly gave her plenty of opportunities to sharpen her skills.
