A week before every retreat my men’s group goes on, our leader asks us to pray for certain people. Usually it’s the worship leaders because we know that they will need to rock like they have never rocked before during the retreat. Sometimes it is the small group leaders. But regardless of who it is, we always pray with our hands on them.
I’m cool with that. I mean it seems like Jesus was big on the intimacy of physical touch when He healed folks and I think it’s a nice way to visibly show your support for someone. But, there are five people you meet in situations like this. And if you’re a new Christian, perhaps converting after reading my insightful “Booty, God, Booty,” I think you need to read this.
The five people you meet in a “hands on” prayer circle:
1. The Tickler
This is the person that seems to have some sort of tickle radar, accidentally finding a way to place their hand in your most ticklish spot. While the minister leads a heart wrenching prayer about someone losing their beet crop to the winter storms, you try not to burst out laughing and wet your pants from the tickler’s hand.
2. The Kung Fu Gripper
Are we in a fight dude? Seriously, do you need to clench your hand on the nerve in my shoulder that Spock used on Star Trek to knock folks out? I get it, you’re strong. You bought those little spinny push up devices they sell on television and you’re taking creatine now and working on your gluts. Awesome, but you are destroying my neck right now. We’re going to street fight when this prayer is over, aren’t we?
3. The Lingerer
I mentioned this guy briefly in my holding hands post. And the same things are true in this case as well. This is the guy that continues to keep his hand on you long after the prayer has officially ended. We’re done. They’re clearing the chairs. I just want to go home but for some reason, my egress is blocked by this guy’s hand. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Think of letting go as a race. I want us to win. I want you and me to set a new land speed record in letting go. Come on, we can do it. Eye of the tiger. Eye of the freakin’ tiger.
4. Sir Sweaty McSweaterton
Did you run here? Did you carry your car on your back like some sort of world’s strongest man competition? Are you wearing wool underwear in Georgia in July? These are honestly the only reasons I can think for how sweaty you are. I’m sweaty too, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like the ocean itself has its hand on my back right now. You are salty and wet and this prayer feels really long right now.
5. The Awkwarder
I’m not sure if you know this, I mean it might look different from where you are sitting, but that’s my inner thigh you have your hand on. I’m just saying. I hate that two people beat you to the “prayer money spots,” my shoulders, but just because all my good prayer spots were taken doesn’t mean you need to put your hand in my armpit. Put your hand on my head, but wait, don’t intertwine your fingers in my hair. We’ve talked about that. For like half an hour. That’s not cool.
I am sure you can add your own, like Iron Hand, the guy that puts all his weight on you when he puts his hand down. But I have to clear something up. When I wrote my post about holding hands, someone accused me of not liking to touch the homeless. That felt like a fairly logical takeaway from my post and was exactly what I had intended. So let me be upfront, I don’t mind touching the homeless. (What a delightfully weird sentence to end with, but there it is. That’s how I roll, weird.)