If I ever own a Christian bookstore called “Stuff Christians Buy,” I already know what my first bestseller is going to be. I’m going to package the movies Braveheart, the Matrix and Passion of the Christ together. It will be called “the fight, the future and the father.” And the headline on the posters will say stuff like, “It’s not a trilogy of movies, it’s the trinity of movies” or the simple but powerful, “Buy God’s favorite movies.”
Will you buy a copy? Hopefully, but even if you don’t, I think adding the movie Braveheart to it will guarantee that it sells a kazillion copies. We Christians love this movie. Seriously, when it came out, it stirred up quite a potpourri of faith and testosterone. Here, was finally someone that represented the intensity and struggle for freedom that Christ did when he led that violent uprising that involved washing people’s feet and healing them. Wait, what? Jesus wasn’t exactly like William Wallace? Are you sure? I’ve read a lot of Christian books that compare the exploits of Wallace to what it means to be a Christian. In fact, here are a few things I learned:
1. My wife wants to be rescued.
Despite vehemently disagreeing that I need a sword in the house, my wife wants to be rescued. She wants me on a horse with some sort of weird Scottish dredlocks like Mel Gibson and she wants to be carried away over my shoulder. What’s that you say? Wallace’s wife gets her throat cut in the movie? He didn’t rescue her? Oh, well I didn’t mean that one anyway. I mean his second lady friend. Fine, I’ll edit that. “My second wife wants to be rescued.”
2. God has a crazy adventure planned for me.
Does helping out with the youth ministry involve arrows that are lit aflame or any sort of catapult device? No? How about swinging battle axes or mooning people? Will I get to do any of that? No? Then I’m sorry, I won’t be able to help. I am now comparing the size of whatever God calls me to the liberation of the country of Scotland. So unless the director’s cut of Braveheart contains a scene in which they help stack chairs after church, I’m not doing it either. Freeeeeddddooooommm!
3. Jesus was a brawler.
Look at that verse where he clears the temple. Jesus is wild. He’s intense and violent and leading a revolution. No forget that, he’s leading an xRevolution, which is like a revolution only a million times more relevant to today’s culture. I mean check out how he cuts off that Roman soldier’s ear when they come to arrest him. Jesus was a ninja! Huh? That wasn’t him? He healed that dude? One of his last physical actions was to wash people’s feet and heal the guard? You are ruining Braveheart for me right now. I hate you.
I probably just spoiled my chances of being in the sequel to Braveheart. I can live with that. I’ll just bundle it with my “fight, future and father” movie package. I’ll call them the “four horseman” and sell mugs that say, “I’d rather be watching the sequel to Braveheart than drinking this coffee.” It’s all coming together now. Empire here I come.