Although I can’t prove this, I think I know how they control the temperature for the sanctuary at church. I imagine it is very similar to how the character Ben on the show Lost moved the island. I envision the facilities manager in a secret room deep within the belly of the church. He gets a phone call on a red phone, nods his head and then slowly turns a massive wheel to either bowels of hades hot or Antarctic cold.
That is at least my impression from my many years of going to church. Why does this happen? Why is the temperature set to such extremes? Is it possible that the minister cranks up the heat on those Sundays when he wants sweaty guilt in the audience? Does he drop the temperature when he’s tired of people dressing like they’re going to a nightclub? Hard to say, but I do have a few things you can do to survive.
If it’s cold:
1. Bring a kid to church
Kids are like little heaters. Seriously, they are the sweatiest, warmest people on the planet. If it’s too cold in the sanctuary just have your kid sit on your lap.
2. Side hug. Lots.
During the awkward minute when the minister tells you to “greet someone around you,” go on a side hug frenzy. Just go berserk. Hug as many people as possible. All that hugging is bound to generate some warmth.
3. Bulletin Bonfire
Light a small fire at your feet with the bulletin and some shavings from those pencils they give you in church that never have erasers. (Come on, no eraser? That is bogus.)
4. Scripture Sipper
Fill up your scripture sipper, a hollow spined Bible used to smuggle coffee into church, with really hot water and then hold it to your chest all service. People will think you are hugging the Bible which will make you look holy.
If it’s warm:
1. Tank tops
Now clearly I am not talking about a gross old tank top. You need to do it up right. I think you should wear one that is classy, like a tank top that from a distance looks like a tuxedo. Or a tank top that says “God’s gym” on it and has Christ bench pressing the cross. Nice.
2. Dresses
From what I hear, a dress is a pretty refreshing thing to wear. Breeze and what not. I’m not suggesting cross dressing guys, but tell people you’ve been on a mission trip and this is traditional garb. Sure, they might doubt that a people group wear sundresses from the Gap but if you make up an exotic enough sounding name for the country you visited, like Hucklebucktopia, you should be just fine.
3. Dry Ice
This is nice for two reasons. The first is that filling your pockets with dry ice will keep you cool. The second is that you’ll be constantly surrounded by a strange smoke. Tell people that it’s a holiness thing, like Moses with his glowing face. Say that it’s “Angel Mist” and that you’re surprised they don’t have any. Maybe they need to pray more.
Hopefully, these helpful tips will enable you to enjoy a warmer or cooler worship experience. And that’s what Stuff Christians Like is all about. Changing lives people, changing lives.
