(I’m at MinistryCOM08 in Oklahoma on Thursday and Friday. In my absence, I asked two of everyone’s favorite writers to take the helm of Stuff Christians Like for the next two days. First up, the ever sarcastic, ever hilarious Stacy from Louisville. For more from her, check out her site, stacyfromlouisville.blogspot.com)
Bible College is just plain weird. Take everything that drives you nuts about church culture. Throw it into really close living quarters. Take away deodorant, fashionable clothing, and common sense. Fold in a hymnal, lots of suits from the 80s, and a curfew. Sprinkle it with controversy and lint from the pockets of scary elders. Add 2 gallons of angst from trying to maintain technical virginity, and ta-da! Instant Bible College. (Some assembly required.)
Perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic of Bible College is the number of girls who attend with the soul purpose of acquiring their Mrs. Degree. Never mind that many, many of the guys who attend Bible College are already hot and bothered over polyester and the smell of a freshly Pledged pulpit. Still, there is one thing every Bible College guy needs before he can assume his first full time preaching position: Wifeage. That’s right, a delicate, though not necessarily too attractive, member of the opposite sex. Additional requirements include: a) owning 3 dresses from 1986, b) a stellar ability to cry on command, 3) wide hips for childbirth, and d) it helps if she’s a Christian.
However, it must be said, not every girl who goes to Bible College wants to marry a preacher. I went to Bible College to actually go into vocational ministry. I had no plans in any way, shape, or form to get married! Wicked crazy, I know, but it’s true. I actually graduated single, which was a risky choice. Everybody knows a girl doesn’t get married within 3 months of graduation has a 76% higher chance of never saying “I do.” It’s a good thing I met Dan or right now I’d be icing the cake of my own tragedy. Whew. Guess I dodged a bullet that time.
Obviously you can see the conundrum for young women who attend Bible College. Do they sell their soul to the Bible dictionary, pony up to the polyester smack down and shout, “Preach on!” Or, do girls opt for vocational ministry, thereby rolling the dice when it comes to love and romance? What a sticky pickle! Wouldn’t it helpful if there were, say, a beacon of light to guide these girls in their hour of need? You know, maybe a quiz, thrown up on someone else’s blog when the owner is out of town? Well, you’re in luck…
Welcome to the Stuff Christians Like/Stacy From Louisville Cooperative For the Preservation Of The Integrity of Bible College Love Super Quiz 2008
The purpose of this quiz is to help you determine if you should marry a preacher or stay single in Bible College. Answer the following hypothetical scenarios according to the decision you would make if you were a single female in Bible College. Guys, just read along. I’m serious. Don’t pretend you’re a girl when you’re reading Jon’s site. It’s poor form. Here we go!!!!
1) Your major is:
a) Bible and youth ministry, elementary education, missions, or urban outreach
b) You don’t pick a major. College may cost $9,000 a year but that’s not too much to pay to find your true love. Besides, everyone knows pastors are loaded and he won’t mind paying off your loans.
2. You open the closet in your room to reveal:
a) ringer t-shirts, a SCL t-shirt, jeans, flip flops, a pile of dirty laundry and a half-eaten bag of Cheetos.
b) Four hoop-skirt bridesmaid’s dresses, cellophane wrapped wedding dress, a hand sewn polyester/leather tie nighty combo, and 15 complete sets of maternity clothes
3. You’re in your room studying when you hear frantic shrieking from down the hall. Instinctively you know it’s “the engagement ring scream”, meaning someone else – not you! – is getting married. You:
a) Roll your eyes and finish your paper while humming “Another One Bites The Dust”
b) Grab your stuffed cat, Kooky Kitty McScratchbottom, bury your head in your pillow and contemplate wearing more skirts that reveal your shapely ankles
4. In Church History class Mr. Bible Banger leans over and says, “What’s today’s date?” You:
a) Pull out your birth control dial pack, flip it open and say, “Let’s see. Oh! It’s Thursday already! No wonder I’m thirsty!” (Extra points if you throw in a wink.)
b) Bat your eyelashes, straighten your hair bow, and say, softly, “Kind sir, it’s September 18, 2008 in the year of Our Lord. Might I water your camels?”
5. A cute guy asks you for help with his homework. You:
a) Walk with him to the library and teach him Greek
b) Type up his sermon outline, iron all 10 of his short sleeve dress shirts, make a casserole, and cross stitch Bible verses on his damp handkerchief.
You’re doing great! Last one….
6. A guy you’ve been seeing asks you to marry him. He promises to love you and:
a) You suck his face off instead of answering his question and tell him you’ll get back with him…later.
b) Never throw you under the bus when the elders blame you for the crappy women’s ministry program
So, how did you score?
You should not date in Bible College. You should not get married in Bible College. You probably should not ever say the words “Bible College” or speak a sentence with the words “Bible” and “college” in it, ever. You are cut off. Know why? Because you are like me. As I stated before I graduated from college single, which was fine with me. What I didn’t tell you was that because of my sass mouth I didn’t have too many dates in the straight-laced environment of my college. Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast in college, especially when I learned how to break the rules and not get caught. Am I proud of breaking he rules? Why yes, actually. But I’m most proud of not getting caught. In the grand scheme of things, that’s all that really matters. I think. Flash forward 10+ years and I’m married, I’ve got two kids, and from time to time I break out my Bible dictionary. Does that make me better than anyone else? No, no it doesn’t. That’s what a diploma is for…
Marrying a pastor isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I guess. Getting married as an excuse to have sex and be out past curfew is, and I saw a lot of that, unfortunately. There are some guys who attend Bible College who are hip and fly. If you’ve got your sites set on a Metrosexual future worship leader, that’s good. If he rocks the Pumas and the faux hawk, that’s even better. If he’s really hot in a subversive, yet dark and Biblical kind of way and could potentially make $75K traveling with his band, “The Hermeneutics”, then by all means, find that guy and suck his face off without hesitation. On the other hand, if you’re going to an ultraconservative school that cranks out obscure, pulpit-hogging Bible bangers with weird hips and unzipped flies, you need to pay attention. This quiz might just save your bacon.
So there you have it. My best attempt at breaking free from the comments section on SCL. For years now I have told my husband, “One day Honey, I’m gonna make you proud.” I’m sure in his mind he thought I might return to my prebaby weight or cure cancer or something. But no. God had bigger plans. I get to traipse around SCL for one whole day. You know, that’s pretty good for a chick that was single when she graduated from Bible College.