Despite my previous confession that my little brothers and I tried to start a boy band, I can’t sing. It is not a gift I possess, which is a shame. Not because I want to be up on stage belting out a praise song. Not because I wish I could have joined a quartet in college that performed at local churches. No, the reason I wish I had a great voice is that I’ve always wanted to name a Christian singing group. And I’m pretty sure you have to be in one to actually submit your group name. Until now.
I’m going to share with you what I would call my crew. I’m going to show you that, much like the song “Our God is an Awesome God,” when “I’m rollin’ up my sleeves, I ain’t just putting on the Ritz.” I’m going to share my five favorite names for my fictional Christian singing group.
1. All Things to Tall People
When I was in college there was a drama team named, “all things to all people.” That’s a fine name and I want to reach all people, but realistically I need to narrow our audience. That’s why we’re going to focus on lifting up our voices to the height-gifted. (Since I am 5′ 7″, I define anyone that is 5’8″ or up as super tall, so it’s still a pretty large target demographic.)
2. The Four Hoarsemen
We’d be “screamo,” which is a combination of hardcore punk and emo. Wikipedia defines the genre as possessing “a spastic intensity to willfully experimental dissonance and dynamics.” I define the Four Hoarsemen as “here comes four dudes that are going to sing some really loud songs about the apocalypse with a triangle accompaniment.”
3. Hannah Hosanna
I’m all about being topical and maybe some people will actually buy tickets thinking they’re going to Hannah Montana. So, bonus.
4. Choir Fire
This one probably already exists, but I couldn’t resist. We’d start all our songs wearing those flame retardant suits that stuntmen wear and then put ourselves out by singing water-themed songs, like “Rain Down, Healing Rain, Grace Like Rain,” etc.
5. Song. Song. Song. Dog.
The fourth member of this quartet would actually be a Great Dane named “Dog.” We’d keep him in the back during the show, because he’d probably be mean from constant exposure to quartet music. Then at the end of our performance, we’d bring him out so that the smallest member of our group could ride him like a horse and tell “dog” which audience members didn’t give during the love offering and needed to “get bit.”
Whoa, that last one got a little dark. Weird. How about you? Did your college have an awesomely named quartet or singing group? Want to make up your own name today? Choir Fire is looking for someone to go on tour with.
What would you name your Christian singing group?
