When people ask me about my dad, I don’t say, “He started a church.”
I say, “He started a church in a car wash.” I do this in part because it lays the groundwork for some hilarious sin/suds jokes but also because everyone knows that God prefers churches that are started in odd locations.
Look it up. It’s in the Bible. I think somewhere in the Old Testament God says, “When two or more people are gathered in my name in a building used as a bowling alley 90% of the week, there too will I be.”
The only problem is that since the mid 80s when my dad did the car wash thing, churches have started raising the game. A car wash just isn’t that exciting anymore. And forget about renting out a high school. One friend of mine holds church in a movie theater and another friend has his church in a bar. Which is cool, but no one’s really done a good job ranking where these odd locations fall on the “God’s favorite location for a church” chart. Fortunately, I have access to that chart, in fact, here it is:
God’s favorite church locations:
(Scale of 1 -10. 1 is you’re still getting into heaven but just barely, 10 is you’ll be living in Billy Graham’s neighborhood.)
1. Inside a high school or middle school.
One of God’s least favorite things is when the youth group boys get into the janitor’s closet. Something about mop bucket races between services really bothers Him. I’m not sure why. It’s the whole deep abyss, mysterious nature thing. Who knows, so renting in a school ranks a 4.
2. Movie Theater
What movies are showing? Seriously, this is going to impact the score. Are we talking about anything involving the Wayans brothers? (Not you Kenan, you know I love you.) If so, welcome to a 1. If the theater is showing the latest Batman and you can do a double feature where you watch the movie first and then analyze it for spiritual angles, that’s a 6.
3. Mobile Churches
God loves these, because a mobile church can meet anywhere and no where all at once. They’re like the A-team, which both I and God are huge fans of. (OK, I don’t know if God is for certain, but I’m pretty sure he likes adventures and Mr. T.) This is an 8.
4. A bar or nightclub or other establishment where people regularly make it rain.
I love the idea of a church with a VIP area. Is it for prayer warriors? Can you save seats if you come early? Is that where the pastor’s family sits? There are so many questions when it comes to renting a bar for your church. One way to prevent them is to just take over the entire place. That’s what Buckhead Christian Church did in 2001. The Gold Club, a strip club in Atlanta or “place where NBA players go” turned into a church in 2001. I don’t know anything that can top that. That’s a 10.
Ultimately, I’m not that sure if God cares about the where of church. He’s probably more concerned with the who and the when. Which is of course us and now, regardless of if that’s in a bar or a building.
Where’s your church located?
Where’s the most interesting place you’ve experienced church?
