Recently, a reader asked me if I would write a response she could send all her well meaning friends and family members that forward her Christian-flavored chain emails. She asked if I would help her “Break the Chains.”
I thought that was a funny idea and decided to take a stab at it. But because crazy Christian forwarded emails come in so many different varieties, I felt like the best plan was to write it “Mad Lib” style where you can pick the most appropriate phrase or word to drop into the email if you want to send it. Without further ado, here’s my attempt to break the chains:
Dear (friend, turbo religious relative, lady at church that somehow got my email address),
It’s great to hear from you. It’s been (a month, a week, about 30 seconds) since you last included me on an email forward. This one was (funny, poignant, gross). I was unaware that there was a poem written by a five-year old that answered the question (does God cry?, do animals go to heaven?, were there unicorns on Noah’s ark?).
I appreciate you sharing the (official prayer for marriages, the real meaning of Flag Day, lyrics to the Christmas Shoes song).
Had I known that (Jesus would bless me if I sent this email to seven people, a politician was trying to do that, kitten photos could be combined so perfectly with Bible verses) I would have immediately notified everyone I know as well.
I look forward to (signing that online petition, praying for a hoax that was exposed on snopes.com in 2004, or unleashing the waves of righteous fury you hinted at).
I’m not completely convinced that (a new movie, a new song, a new dance craze) is officially the fourth horseman of the apocalypse but I appreciate your passion to root out that last elusive equine harbinger of the final days.
Thanks again for the email. I look forward to many more. In the meantime, I’ll be reading stuffchristianslike.net. That guy needs some serious prayer and if you read the site seven times you get new rims on your car. I don’t know how he does it, but you’ll be sitting on 20s before you know it and like TI can just live your life.
Side hugs and Razzle Dazzle
(Insert your name)
p.s. I’ve included the recipe for miracles which I found online as an added bonus. Enjoy:
1 part of knowing who you are
1 part of knowing who you aren’t
1 part of knowing what you want
1 part of knowing who you wish to be
1 part of knowing what you already have
1 part of choosing wisely from what you have
1 part of loving and thanking for ALL you have
Combine ingredients together gently and carefully, using faith and vision. Mix together with strong belief of the outcome until finely blended.
Use thoughts, words and actions for best results.
Bake until Blessed.
Give thanks again
Yield: Unlimited service