How do you a buy a pastor a Christmas present? You want it to seem fun, but kind of holy too. I mean what if you hand him the gift and he shakes his head with a look that says, “I must not be shepherding this flock the right way, look at this sweaty heathen gift I just received. I better add this person to my ‘needs extra strength prayer list.’”
Fear not, I’ve come up with a Pastor’s Gift Guide that has been endorsed by three out of four pastors. (Not really but they always say that on sugarless gum commercials and I thought it sounded kind of nice.)
The Pastors Gift Guide
1. A Hate Mail Mongoose
I wish this didn’t happen, but sometimes, during the year, pastors get anonymous hate mail from people. Instead of letting them dwell on the negativity, help them overcome the opposition by giving them a hate mail mongoose. Designed to fight cobras and other types of snakes, a mongoose is a perfect way to deal with congregational attacks. When they see a letter slipped under the pastor’s office door, the hate mail mongoose will spring into action, tearing the paper to shreds and sprinting out into the hall to bite the offending party about the ankles. I admit, there’s one huge flaw in this gift idea. It’s not that training a mongoose is difficult, that only takes at the most 6 or 7 years. Mongoose however are horrible at email hate mail. They never check the spam folder and are baffled by Firefox.
2. Sweat Towel Collection
What a difference a letter makes huh? If you use ‘e’ instead of ‘a,’ it looks like I’m talking about a sweet towel collection. Maybe some sort of hand towels woven out of delicious salt water taffy. Oh no my friend, I’m talking about sweat, or “sermon sheen” as I like to call it. Some pastors get lit up on stage and start to pour out the saline spirit with great enthusiasm. Help them prevent this by gifting them with a small set of forehead towels. For bonus points, get them monogrammed with the church logo.
3. Mo’ Bibles
If you ever go into your pastor’s office and there aren’t at least 27 Bibles, get out. Get out immediately. By law, a pastor has to own their body weight in Bibles. Big ones, small ones, short ones, tall ones. Help them out by giving them one more this holiday season. You cannot go wrong with giving a pastor a Bible. Plus, if they respond with, “No thanks, I’ve already read this book,” you’ll know church hopping season has officially started for you. That guy is whack.
4. A Cool Goatee
I’m not going to lie to you, this one is going to be hard. The first step is finding a willing goatee donor. Or if that’s not possible, someone who can’t run very quickly. Then, once you’ve shaved it off, you have to carefully reconstruct the transplant goatee using leftover Vacation Bible School glue. Once it’s formed a hair mold, you have to sneak attack your minister with this gift. While he’s walking to his car after work, run out of the bushes, with the goatee cupped in your hand, and slap it on his chin as you sprint passed him. If by accident, your glancing goatee blow knocks him out, please don’t mention the Stuff Christians Like site. (If you have a lady minister, you probably shouldn’t give this gift.)
5. Sky Mall Roulette
This one comes via my friend Kathy. She recently wrote a funny post about her time on an airplane reading the Sky Mall catalog and so all comedy credit goes her way. If you’re not familiar, just imagine a catalog full of really expensive, really useless gadgets and knick knacks and Christmas hams. I personally love the Sky Mall catalog and think that a great way to get your minister a gift is to just play Sky Mall Roulette. Flip open the catalog or go to their site and just buy the first thing your eye lands on. For instance, the Slanket, a blanket you wear. I mean look how happy that guy is at a Boston Red Sox game. Who’s going to make fun of that guy? Just enjoying a baseball game with a frontal robe on and possibly leading a cult. Great gift. Great gift. (Love that the guy directly above the drink in the photo has short sleeves on as it is obviously a summer game.)
I hope you’ll shower your pastors with some great things this Christmas. Even if it’s just a compliment. They deserve it.
But what do you think I left off this list? What is woefully absent?
Have you ever given your pastor a gift? What was it?
