(I’m a big fan of sharing the Stuff Christians Like stage with other folks. And it’s easy when you have funny friends like Curtis. Here’s his take on an old Christian tradition, the Christmas Sweater.)
I think all women over the age of 40 have a hidden walk-in closet built into their houses that is full of bedazzled, bejeweled, and bespangled (which is a real word…click the link if you don’t believe me) Christmas sweaters. The day after Thanksgiving, they go into their secret chamber of wooly Christmas spirit and arrange the shelves of the closet like an advent calendar of sweatery splendor. They adorn each one proudly, with the majesty and merriment of all the snow angels in the world.
So, here’s the big question: how can you know if your Christmas sweater is truly Christmawesome?
Official Point System of Sweater Christmaweseomeness:
1. If your sweater has a nativity scene = +1 point
2. If your sweater has lights on it = +1 point
3. If your light is for Rudolph’s nose = -1 point
4. If your light is for the star of Bethlehem over your nativity scene = +4 points
5. If your sweater has actual bells and whistles from the Polar Express tied on by pieces of yarn = +2 points
6. If you can hear the bells = -2 points
7. If every time one of the bells rings, you get excited because an angel just got its wings = + 1 point
8. If your sweater has Luke 2 written out on it (the entire chapter) = +3 points
9. If it is KJV = +2 points
10. If it is actually a puff paint sweatshirt, which is really just a Christmas sweater wannabe = -3 points
11. If your sweater was knitted from the wool of a Bethlehemian sheep = +5 points
12. If you have more than 5 snowmen/women on your sweater = +2 points (+1 point for each additional snowperson)
13. If any of your snowmen are inspired by Calvin and Hobbes = +4 points
14. If it is a maternity sweater that reads “Mary is My Homegirl” = +10 points
15. If your sweater has stockings with your kids’ names on it = +1 point for each child
16. If the stockings are your kids’ used socks = -2 points for each sock
17. If it has a 3-D hologram of baby Jesus on it = +3 points
18. If it has candy canes on it = -4 points… I’m going to use this platform of SCL to take a stand against candy canes, a.k.a. carnage canes. Candy canes become sharp and dangerous once licked. It’s like putting an ice pick in your mouth and poking it around. I’m sorry, but if I want the flavors of mint and blood to mix in my mouth, I’ll go to the dentist. This injustice needs to stop now, so we’re starting a boycott of candy canes effective immediately. I think it’s the Southern Baptist roots in me that really wanted to start a boycott. That’s why I started Humans Against Candy Knives, or H.A.C.K. Join the fight on the Facebook group I started.
19. If it has any other kind of cane on it= +2 points. This could be one of the wise men’s canes, sugar canes, or even hurricanes. Just as long as they’re not candy canes.
How did you score?
0-3 points= Sorry to break the news, but you might be a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
4-7 points= You’re rockin’ a mighty fine piece of holiday merriment, my friend. Just don’t wear your sweater and your light up reindeer antlers at the same time. That would be tacky.
8-10 points= “Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor, and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.” –Job 40:10
11-13 points= Bill Cosby called. He wants his sweater back.
14+ points= You are the embodiment of Christmawesomeness. There are probably three men coming from afar to shower you with gifts as you read this.
Less than zero points= Apparently you love candy canes.
How Christmawesome are your Christmas sweaters? Please post links in the comments section to a picture of you sporting your sweater.
You can find more of Curtis at justwallpaper.wordpress.com.