When my wife and I drink tea at home, we don’t save the tea bags to donate to missionaries. I know, we’re selfish like that. Donating junk is apparently not our love language, but wow, some people have received that spiritual gift.
After I wrote “#303 – Donating Junk to the Church” last June, people came out in droves to tell stories about the nonsense that had been given to their churches. Since this is the holiday season and a time of year that donations sky rocket, I thought it might be fun to revisit that post.
Here, from the comments readers left on the original post, are real items that have been donated to churches and my attempt to put myself in the shoes of the person that donated them:
1. What was donated to the church:
Expired food – A 10 year old can of SpaghettiOs
Why I gave it:
“First of all, don’t be hatin’ on Chef Boyardee. He’s a chef after all, an artisan from the old country. Show a little respect. Everyone knows that SpaghettiOs are like a fine wine, they don’t get old, they mature. That vintage can I donated today is from the 1998 collection that Chef Boyardee crafted. Note that the sauce has turned a smoky gray color and has the texture of soggy play doh. Take a taste. You should be able to pick up a light bouquet of feet and tomato sauce with a slight undertone of scurvy.”
2. What was donated to the church:
A box of VHS Home Movies
Why I gave it:
“I agree, that no one likes watching home movies, not even the people that are in them, but missionaries are different. Maybe you can send those overseas as an encouragement to someone that was called to a difficult country. There’s this one scene in our 1984 family BBQ on tape 14, where a bunch of hot dogs fall off the grill. It’s pretty funny. I thought about sending it directly into America’s Funniest Home videos, but everyone knows that unless you have a clip of someone getting hit in the groin you’re not going to win that show. I hate you Bob Saget.”
3. What was donated to the church:
Snowsuits for the orphanage in Mexico
Why I gave it:
“What’s that you say? It’s extremely hot where you are in Mexico? All year round? Your orphanage is not located in the Alaskan part of Mexico? Well those are vacation snowsuits in case your next orphanage retreat is held at a ski resort. What did you just say? You’re not taking those kids on vacations? What kind of shoddy orphanage are you running? I’m tempted to give you back this receipt I got for the donation, but I need it for tax purposes and this is my tithe replacement.”
4. What was donated to the church:
A dog harness
Why I gave it:
“Three words, ‘hounds of hell.’ That’s all I’m saying.”
5. What was donated to the church:
Kinky lingerie
Why I gave it:
“I’m not even going to touch this one. No seriously, I don’t want to touch it, which is why I put it in this large, thick, black bag. Please don’t ask me any questions about how I came into the possession of such an exuberant collection of ‘fancy lady panties’ or why I think this would be a good item for the youth group yard sale or missionaries. I’d like to drop this off at night if that’s OK with you. God bless.”
6. What was donated to the church:
A single shoe.
Why I gave it:
“You’re so greedy. I want two shoes. I’d like a matching pair. Look at me, I’m a diva missionary that doesn’t like getting one old size 14 men’s shoe. What is this Project Runway? Are you the Heidi Klum or maybe Tim Gunn of the mission field? Wow, here I am with my cheerful heart and you’re complaining. God is pretty disappointed in you right now. I’ll pray for you.”
7. What was donated to the church:
The filthy clothes someone wore during the mission trip to build an outhouse.
Why I gave it:
“No, no, the bag of dirty clothes is for you. And I don’t appreciate you asking me if I ‘left my laundry behind on purpose.’ Yes, yes I did. That’s how I do mission trips. I’m like a snake, not in the Biblical sense of the word, but more in the shed my skin sense of the word. I built an outhouse, got incredibly filthy and instead of packing dirty clothes in my suitcase decided to leave it all behind as a donation. I could see the way some of those foreigners were checking out my sweat stained JC Penny undershirts. They will love them. It’s about changing lives. You’re welcome.”
When I open up my church, iGracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate, I’m going to set up a video camera on the donation box. Every Sunday, we’ll play a greatest hits clip from the tape of anyone that donated junk. Then we’ll shoot the junk at the person from the stage into the crowd wherever they’re sitting with a modified t-shirt gun like they use at sporting events. I think after a service or two of watching punks get hit by an expired can of beets in the sternum people will probably stop donating junk.
Play along:
What do you think was going through someone’s head when they donated this stuff?
Has anyone ever donated junk to your church?
