I think that the 19-week American Idol audition process is about to conclude. I think that in large part because they keep showing commercials with Simon Cowell melodramatically telling a roomful of sweaty singers things like “This week, I believe we’ll find a singer in the final round of auditions that will cure puppy loneliness and eradicate all cloudy days with the sound of their voice.” I could be wrong though.
If I’m not, and we are about to get to the final group of people that will be singing for their lives for the next 14 weeks, we are on the precipice of a very exciting event in Christian pop culture –Rooting for the secret Christian contestant.
Isn’t that the best? It’s kind of like cheering for the Christian guy in the Super Bowl only you get to do it for a few months and you’re never quite sure if they’re a Christian. There’s an element of mystery, an air of “are they a Christian or just religious? Are they a follower of Jesus or just working the crowd to try to get the coveted ‘follower of Jesus’ vote?”
Usually, you have to wait until the contestant releases a gospel album and does a duet with TobyMac after the show is all over before you can really confirm that your faithtastical spidey sense was buzzing for a reason. Not this year though. This year I thought we could all get a head start on rooting for the secret Christian contestant on American Idol. That’s why I created this handy list:
How to spot a secret American Idol Christian contestant.
1. Their mom tells host Ryan Seacrest that they’ve been singing, and this next part is critical, in the “church choir” since they were five. Unless they say church choir they might have just worked the pageant circuit.
2. They refuse to “skank it up” when the competition gets heated and the judges keep telling them to show their sexy side. (If one of my daughters got that advice I would probably come through the television set and stab somebody with a pew pencil.)
3. They are not from Utah. I love Mormons. In fact one of my favorite posts ever on this site is “Stuff Christians Like, Being Slightly Less Nice than Mormons,” but you’ve got to factor in location when it comes to determining whether someone is a secret Christian.
4. You read on a fan site that a friend of a friend of a friend goes to church with them and “he’s a really nice guy and totally loves the Lord and I once sat next to him in a Sunday School class. Go JASON!!!!”
5. Instead of telling people she is “thankful” to be there, she says she is “blessed” to be here. Instead of saying “she works hard” she says, she is “committed to doing things with excellence.”
6. They are from Georgia or Texas. I live in Georgia and I’ve been to Texas. I’m clearly a huge fan of Christian stereotypes, but this one is just a fact. More than 99.9% of the general population in Texas and Georgia is Christian.
7. They can do a flawless choir side step, that “I know dancing is sinful, but if you move you’re feet slowly back and forth God is OK with that” move.
If I wanted to be a secret Christian blogger I shouldn’t have put 7 items on this list. Everyone knows that the number 7 is a lot holier than 8 or 9.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t add to the list.
Have you ever rooted for a secret Christian on American Idol?
What signs do you look for?
