It’s the least we can do right? I mean as married people, people that have been blessed with the gift of marriage, “complete people” if you will as evidenced by that incredibly accurate line in the move Jerry Maguire, we kind of have an unspoken obligation to get our single friends married off as fast as possible. (I prefer to get my single friends married “up” instead of “married off” because then they can say things like “I out kicked my coverage” and “I married way over my head” or the lazier but still accurate, “my wife is way hotter than me.”)
But you’ve got to be subtle about these sorts of things. You can’t just rush into trying to get a single person married to the first other single person you spot at church. I mean that would be nice, it would be great if you could just stop the service right there and have the pastor marry them. After all, you’ve already got a minister, a band and you can always throw pocket mints instead of rice if you get in a pinch, but the stars rarely line up that way.
You’ve got to have more finesse than that. Try one of these helpful tricks:
1. Always tell your single friends that marriage is awesome.
Never ever tell a single person that marriage can be difficult. Never be honest that it can be challenging or takes work to maintain and grow. Whenever they ask you anything don’t even use the Christian F word, “fine.” Say instead, “awesome!” Marriage is awesome. It is perfect. It’s easy and fun and is kind of like rolling around in a field of flowers and Kit Kats and pillows stuffed with rainbows 100% of the time.
2. Start every sentence with “my husband” or “my wife.”
Seinfeld once noted how fun it was to begin every sentence with the phrase “my wife and I.” He was right, that is delightful and it’s also a good way to remind a single person that you have something they don’t have. Which they should want to have. Which they could have if they would just marry, I don’t know, that girl right over there without a wedding ring on. Start every conversation with “my husband…” and end every conversation by physically pointing out people that don’t have wedding rings on.
3. When they describe their weekend, always reply with “awww.”
Even if they had the most amazing weekend and are forming friendships that will last a lifetime and are growing in their faith and are loving, absolutely loving, their life, reply to their weekend tales with one long, disappointed “awwww.” You can’t come right out and say, “Imagine how much more fun that would have been if you had a wife,” but hopefully you can communicate that if you add enough w’s to your “awwww.”
4. Don’t let them throw the Paul card.
Occasionally when a single person is shoved into a corner, they will strike back like an angry mongoose and say, “Paul was single.” This is true and it’s smart. The only good way to respond to that is by saying, “Paul was also shipwrecked, stoned and made tents. Do you want to make tents? Is that what you’re saying? You want to be a tentmaker?” That is such baffling logic that usually it will give you enough time to regroup and point out more single people in the church that they should marry.
5. Plan fantastic singles events.
Single people can smell a Christian dating trap from a mile away. Your events better be off the hook. (Single people are always sayings things like “off the hook” or “no doy,” so you better pepper your language with phreshness. See what I did right there with the ph? You gotta know this stuff.)
Ultimately, the single friends you’re trying to force, no strike that, encourage into marriage might remind you that in Christ, their lives are complete. If that happens, just pretend you hear you’re wife calling you, “What’s that? My wife needs me? My awesome, always happy, super hott with two t’s wife needs me?” And then slowly back away.
We’ll get that single person next time. Oh we’ll get them indeed.