(You might remember Matt of thechurchofnopeople.com from his hilarious post “The official point system of SCL commenter fitness.” Since it’s love month and because I thought it would make a good running mate with Monday’s post about single people needing to get married pronto, I asked him to write a guide to creating the perfect Christian dating profile. Enjoy.)
For those of us not called by God to abstinence, the search for a mate can be a long, sometimes frantic search, stretching much longer than you would like. Every wedding you attend teases you with the promise of some kind of mystical three-corded you-spouse-God rope. And every day you lack that rope, you know your life is not yet complete. And if you’re uncomfortable with being single, just look around at church! Everyone whispers when you come in the room, because you can’t possibly be happy!
Fortunately, the Christian mating grounds are no longer limited to church and colleges. Now we have the internet. A Christian who flunked out of getting her ‘M.R.S. degree’ in college can have a second chance. But she probably needs to know how to craft a sweet online dating profile.
There’s more to a truly Christian dating profile than just putting up a picture and a name though. You’ve got to work that unmistakable vibe of raw animal pheromones and Jesus-loving wholesomeness that will make every Christian give you double-takes. Fortunately, you could call me the Hitch for Christians. You are my Kevin James. I will help you end your singleness, and everyone’s discomfort caused by your singleness. Win, win!
Maybe you need this help. If you don’t, you definitely have a friend who needs it.
Crafting the Perfect Christian Dating Profile
Step 1: You Profile Name
Your name is half of the first impression you make. And unlike your legal name, you get to choose this one. So don’t waste your chance at a first impression with some play on your real name. ‘SassySally777’ just doesn’t cut it, and makes you sound like a person who likes wearing light-up Christmas sweaters.
You are trying to make the impression that you are ready to rock someone’s world like an earthquake, a volcano and a hurricane all in one, and you love Jesus! Ladies, how about ‘FisherofMen,’ or even ‘A Little Bit of Mary, a Little Bit of Martha.’ I don’t even know what that last one means, but it sounds provocative! Guys, I wouldn’t suggest either of those names for you.
Step 2: The Picture
The picture on your profile is the other half of your first impression. There are a couple of things to keep in mind when choosing the all important photo of yourself.
You may choose to post a photo of yourself looking really holy, like a shot of you praying really intently or waving your arms in the air during church. Remember that a black and white or sepia toned photograph automatically looks 30% holier.
Unattractive photos of yourself are okay, even good. A real Christian will see your inner beauty, so any effort toward outward appearances will only hinder a godly attraction.
You can also add lots of ‘flair’ to your photo. Find clip art of crosses, Jesus fish, praying hands, Bibles, hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons. Like a church logo, the more flair you have, the holier you will look.
You may post a photo of you and a friend. Exercise caution when choosing a friend picture though. Some general guidelines include:
You met your friend in a third-world country.
You helped rebuild your friend’s village.
Your friend is an adorable mission trip child.
Step 3: What Relationship You Are Looking For?
Many services give you the option of stating what sort of relationship you are pursuing. Some services have pre-set options to choose from, others let you type your own.
Some people choose ‘Anything’ or ‘Random Play’ from the list. Sounds exciting, but dirty. A real Christian would choose ‘Marriage and lots of babies right now, please!’
If you’re stumped, just start with any word you would use to describe your walk with Jesus: Blessed. Amazing. Passionate. Awesome. On fire. Potluck.
Step 4: Your Interests
This is a biggie, the place where you tell the world what makes you special and unique. Other people are going to be witty or post a poem or some nonsense, but as a Christian, you’ve really only got three options.
Option 1: Proselytize Us
It seems there are a number of non-Christians out there on dating sites. I think some people actually have a thing for Christians. They’re just looking for some nice shiny Christian to lure, trap, and corrupt. If you find yourself on a date with one of these types, it’s easy enough to ward off damnation. Just make a cross with your two index fingers at your date and yell, “Unequally yoked! Unequally yoked!”
If you attract these types, you could find yourself going through this a lot, or you can avoid it altogether. The goal here is that upon reading your profile, the sweaty heathen will be instantly born-again, rendering him a viable match. Consider the following example:
“I am a worthless sinner saved through faith in the love and grace of our glorious Lord Jesus. I also like romantic movies.”
Response: “This girl is hot. Whatever she likes, I’m in. I now also love Jesus and romantic movies.”
Problem solved. You are now equally yoked.
Option 2: Intimidate Us
This option is aimed toward all your viewers who, while they may be Christians, may not quite reach the mark of holiness you require. Anyone who reads your profile will instantly know that he has just ‘been served,’ that it ‘is on now,’ and that he is now required to ‘step up.’ Take for example:
“I am looking for a REAL MAN of God.”
Response: “Aw, it’s on now! Here I am, but guess what? Shawty can’t handle this:”
“I am looking for a REAL Ephesians 5:22 lady.”
Option 3: Tell Us Your Real Interests
It should go without saying, but some people need it repeated. If you are interested in attracting Christians, you are not interested in anything except:
See how I put those in all caps? That’s how you know I’m serious. The Bible isn’t just any hobby. It’s my life. I use lowercase letters for lesser interests like The Lord of the Rings (which will be your only other interest.)
Why should you not list any other interests? Because any real Christian will see right through to your worldliness:
Jazz Music: That’s baby-making music. How do you know about that anyway?
Television: It’s just sex and violence.
Cars: Jesus didn’t have a car.
Football: Way too much butt slapping.
The stock market: Better to store up treasures in heaven.
There you have it, a complete Christian dating profile. Take my advice, and you will be a steaming chunk of sexy Christian temptation. Anyone fortunate enough to see your profile will be overtaken by a fit of smoldering passion and desire to read The Five Love Languages with you, participate in several weeks pre-marital counseling, get married, and settle down into a nice quiet Christian life. That’s hot!
(For more of Matt, check out his site, thechurchofnopeople.com)