(Matt taught us how to comment on Stuff Christians Like. He taught us how to have a super holy Christian dating profile. And now he’s teaching us how to know if we’re doing things that are “not very Christian.” Here with another guest post is one of my favorite bloggers, Matt from the church of no people.)
Hey everyone. Contrary to popular belief, Christians aren’t always perfect people. Maybe you have a bumper sticker or a bracelet that says, “W.W.J.D.,” but my bracelet says “W.W.J.L.M.G.A.W.J.T.O.I.I.S.I.W.R.S.A” (What would Jesus let me get away with just this once if I said I was really sorry afterward?) Yes, I have really big wrists.
Sometimes Christians just do ‘Bad Things.’
‘Bad things’ fall into two categories: ‘Sin’ and ‘Not Very Christian.’
Bad things that are ‘Sin’ are obvious, because they’re in the Bible. They’re things like playing cards, dancing, wearing hats in church, getting tattoos or piercings, reading Harry Potter, or women wearing calf-length skirts. ‘Not Very Christian’ things are not in the Bible, but are also obvious, because as soon as you do something, hopefully a Christian will be nearby to say, ‘That wasn’t very Christian of you!’
Yes, even the best of us slip up in certain situations. The Bible doesn’t always tell us what we should do, so we do something that Jesus probably wouldn’t. But let me pluck that speck from your eye! Take this quiz to find out how ‘Not Very Christian’ you might really be at the right place and time.
The Official Test of ‘Not Very Christian’ Christians
1. The obnoxious neighbor kids are riding their bikes in your yard. What might you do?
A: Pray fervently that they will go away.
B: Offer them leftover donuts from church.
C: Toss the leftover donuts from church into the street to lure them out of your yard.
2. You have just moved your groceries from the cart to your trunk. What might you do as your ‘witness’ at the grocery store?
A: Take your cart to the corral if it’s not too far.
B: Take your cart and another person’s back to the store.
C: Casually let the cart roll into the nearest ‘Coexist’ bumper sticker.
3. You realize you do not have enough cash to leave a good tip. What could be your plan?
A: Leave the restaurant, find an ATM, pay $2.50 in service fees, leave a good tip.
B: Starve.
C: Decide that your ‘restaurant witness’ will be to not say grace before dinner so that at least when you’re a cheapskate to the waitress, she’ll also think you’re an atheist.
4. A flock of geese have overrun your neighborhood streets. What should you do?
A: Praise God with a hymn for the beauty of such graceful creatures.
B: Leave plenty of bread crusts on the ground for the geese to enjoy.
C: Leave plenty of bread crusts in the pockets of the obnoxious bike-riding neighbor kids.
5. You are sitting next to a stranger on a plane. What might you do?
A: Casually unpack your extra large type illustrated Study Bible with built in reading light.
B: Join hands across the aisle in prayer for ‘traveling mercies.’
C: Tell your neighbor it’s ‘my treat’ as you firmly insist on buying two sets of headphones so you can both watch ‘Barber Shop 2.’
6. Your church serves real bread for communion. What might you do?
A: Tear off a small piece of crust, ensuring there is enough for others.
B: Bring an extra loaf of bread from home and place it on the tray, just in case.
C: Stick your whole hand in the bread, grab a huge wad of the soft doughy middle, double dip it in the juice and say out loud, ‘Communion is the most important meal of the day!’
7. A friend asks why you haven’t been to church recently. After an uncomfortable silence, what holy sounding made-up excuse might you hope your friend believes?A: “I was…at the homeless shelter…serving soup…to homeless people?”
B: “I was…on the street corner…handing out gospel tracts…to homeless people?”
C: “I was…at my…yoga class…doing yoga…with homeless people?”
8. Jon has just written an especially sweet SCL post. How might you respond?
A: By forwarding the post around to your friends.
B: By making a thoughtful or humorous comment.
C: By commenting, ‘OMGosh! Jon that totally reminds me of an awesome post I just wrote on my own blog!!!!!!!!!11 Come check me out! ilovejesusthiiismuchblog.blogspot.com. Luv your site, John. LOL!’
9. Your friends are excited about the next U2 concert. What might you say?
A: “I am so pumped! Their last album was so deep, it made me cry!”
B: “U2 is so worshipful in their music! It’s going to be awesome.”
C: “I’m getting backstage passes so I can knock those ridiculous goggles off of Bono’s sanctimonious face.”
If you answered ‘As’ or ‘Bs,’ then you are a good Christian. Perhaps…too good to be true? If you answered ‘C’ on any of them, then let me be the ever-helpful one, and with my finger in your eye say, ‘That’s not very Christian of you!’ I know they aren’t very Christian, because they are the exact opposite of what I would do! Maybe you thought I was trying to say that Bono’s vaguely religious lyrics and piles of charity cash are canceled out by his giant obnoxious potty-mouth. But don’t worry, homie. I’m a good Christian. U2 rules.
What about you? How did you do on the quiz? What totally ‘Not Very Christian’ things have you never ever done, or even thought about doing under any circumstances?
(For more from Matt, make sure you check out his blog the church of no people)
