Next to wasabi, my favorite condiment for food is “free.” Sure, that’s not a traditional garnish or accoutrement you often find accompanying meals but when someone asks me a question that starts with the phrase, “Hey do you want a free…” I usually don’t give them a chance to finish their sentence because the answer is “Yes, yes I do.”
Free food is delicious. Even if my mouth tries to tell me, “You’re eating a codsicle, literally a popsicle made of cod” the little broke me inside replies, “Yeah, but it’s free. We didn’t have to pay for this codsicle!”
Fortunately for me, as a corporate employee, I’ve had the opportunity to eat roughly 9 million free meals. The best season of free food I ever experienced was when I worked for Staples.com. It was before the Internet bubble burst and they were constantly showering the web team with massive cookies, free Snapple and air hockey tables. As the economy crashed, we were able to measure the downturn by the frequency of the cookies.
What was once a never ending cornucopia of Oatmeal Raisin Awesomeness turned into a “Hey, they’re only delivering cookies twice a day now” and then that turned into, “Cookies only come in the afternoon” and then finally into, “If someone from another department tries to come take one of the cookies we’re getting weekly, I might stab them with a sharpened ruler.”
Since we’re currently in a bit of another economic crisis, I thought it might be good to do a quick refresh on how to locate free food within a church. You know it’s there. You can’t have church without donuts. But how do you find them? How do you develop a sixth sense to acquire the free food that is lurking within the confines of your local church? Here’s how:
1. Tail Volunteers.
Most churches realize that to keep Sunday School teachers, ushers and other volunteers on their “A game” they’ve got to be well fed. And by well fed I mean “jelly donut.” If you’re already a volunteer then congrats, you know where the bagel secret lair is. But if you’re not, the first thing you need to do is find a volunteer and tail them. Not too closely because they might see you, but try to stay the length of two cars behind them in the hall. Bring a newspaper too or pretend you’re just a casual jogger by wearing a headband to church. People in spy movies do that and it seems to work well.
2. Check where first time visitors congregate.
We’re not trying to bribe first time visitors to come back, but if they like Krispy Kreme donuts and it just so happens that we have Krispy Kreme donuts and they want to return to hear a second sermon because, “Why not? Krispy Kreme donuts!” that’s their decision. Always pop in to first time visitor lunches and gatherings to say “Welcome to our church, good to see you! Where are you from, would you please pass me that potato salad?”
3. Make friends with the pastor’s kids.
Andy Stanley, my pastor at North Point Community Church, once joked that his kids knew where all the free donuts were in the building. That’s no joke given that the building accommodates something like 15,000 people every Sunday. As a pastor’s kid I can attest that this is true. All too often your dad will make you come to church on Saturday for something and you’ll end up kicking around the building exploring. You’re bound to create a pretty good mental map of the layout and come Sunday, you’ll be ready to go right to the spots that might have free donuts. Make friends with the pastor’s kids.
4. Be Confident.
When you do find free food at a church, act like you belong there. If you walk in all timid and nervous looking, someone is going to figure out your game and eventually yell, “Hey those deviled eggs aren’t for you!” If that happens, yell back, “I call them ‘angeled eggs!'” That will hopefully baffle them enough for you to lose them by sprinting across a crowded hallway intersection like a bad guy running a red light. Prevent this horrible situation by strolling confidently to the table with the free food, grabbing a donut as if to say, “Oh, here’s where I left that donut that belongs to me” and then walking away.
5. Poke.
Sometimes, the words “free” and “fresh” don’t travel together when it comes to the food they give you at church. The church is on a budget. They can’t be buying fancy “new” food all the time. Is it so wrong if last weeks donut’s for the first time visitors become this week’s donuts for an adult Sunday School class? Yes, yes it is. That’s why it’s always good to poke the free food with a fork first. Chances are it will be a plastic fork and if one of the tines breaks off during your cursory investigation, get out of there. You can stick around and do a sympathy scoop if you want, but that’s your call really.
The truth is, I’ve never had a codsicle but you dream you know? You think to yourself, how nutritious would that be? Fish, vitamins, flecks of vanilla beans frozen on a stick. And free? You can’t beat free, but maybe you and I think differently.
What’s your best tip on finding free food at church?
