I used to write advertising for a company that specialized in rental tuxedos. One of my jobs was to answer all the emails that people sent to a fictional girl called “Jenny.” So on any given day I was emailing wedding advice to anxious would be brides about everything from what color cummerbunds would match a bridesmaid’s dress to how to politely ask groomsmen to pay for their own tuxes.
The idea of me giving girls advice about color schemes and wedding dresses is absurd. I was horrible at that part of my job and I regret if you ever got some ridiculous email signed by “Jenny.” That was me. I thought chocolate was going to be the new black and coral was darker than salmon. My bad.
But despite my woeful color schemes, I do think I can help you plan the ultimate Christian wedding. I’ve been in a few, I’m about to do one and over the last year you shared a lot of ideas about them. Plus, after “Surviving Church as a Single” became the biggest post ever on Stuff Christians Like I felt like the married readers needed some love too. Without further ado, I give you:
The Ultimate Christian Wedding Scorecard
1. You have someone read a Bible verse at your wedding. = +1 point for each verse
2. You have someone read 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient at your wedding = +2 points
3. You have someone read verses from Song of Solomon in the message version of the Bible and the verses sound vaguely like a Prince lyric and somehow include the phrase, “let’s make out.” = +3 points
4. The person you ask to read the verse is not a Christian and your primary purpose in asking them is that you hope that touching the Bible will rub off on them via osmosis. = +1 point
5. You do a unity candle. = +2 points
6. You weave three ribbons (representing you, your spouse and God) into a single strand that cannot be torn asunder. = +2 points
7. You refuse to hold a bachelor party because they’re evil. = +1 point
8. You hold a bachelor party but call it a “guys that love Jesus golfing together party” = +3 points
9. The pastor that does your ceremony cracks a joke about sex = +3 points for every joke
10. You and your spouse take communion during the ceremony = +3 points
11. You and everyone at the wedding take communion during the ceremony = +4 points
12. You take a love offering during the ceremony = – 3 points
13. The pastor mentions the “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” principle = + 1 point
14. You have a live bird of prey at the podium with you and your bride in order to symbolize the “mount up like eagles” Bible verse = +10 points
15. You receive a, “As for me and my house” plaque for a wedding gift = +1 point for each
16. You receive a Thomas Kinkade painting for a wedding gift = +1 point for each
17. You receive the first 15 volumes of the Left Behind book series in a commemorative wheelbarrow because the girth of that many books is physically staggering = +5 points
18. You don’t have dancing at the reception because it’s held in a church and that church doesn’t approve of dancing and you miss your chance to dance, dance, dance the night away Jon Acuff. = -1 point
19. You have dancing at the reception and your grandmother gets on the floor and dances to Fergie’s song “Fergilicious,” Bennett Acuff (my little brother) = +1 million points
20. At any point during the ceremony a Shofar horn makes a cameo = + 1 point
21. The favor you give everyone is a Bible = +3 points
22. The Bibles are Gideon editions you stole from the hotel all the guests are staying at. = -4 points
23. Your pastor can’t resist the temptation of a captive audience and ad libs the entire gospel message in the middle of your vows = +1 point
24. Your pastor asks you to take a seat for a minute so that people have room to come forward for the altar call. = +2 points
25. Your pastor mentions the phrase “covenant relationship” = + 2 points for each use
26. Your pastor tells the story of Adam and Eve = +3 points
27. Your pastor highlights the verses about “wives submitting to their husband” = +1 point
28. Your crazy aunt boos or hisses from the crowd when she hears this = – 2 points
29. The church you get married in lets you know upfront that they only allow “sacred music” and if you get married there you better expect the organ to be the main instrument used. = +3 points
0 – 10 Points = Not a big fan of God huh? Didn’t feel like inviting Him to your wedding? Didn’t think you could find a tux big enough for Him? Interesting.
11-20 Points = I don’t want to call you “lukewarm” but it’s possible you registered for gifts at that store, “I’m kind of a Christian.”
21+ Points = Welcome to the big leagues. Your wedding is just like church except there’s cake at the end. Onward Christian soldier.
How did you score? I hit over 30 because we got married at a conservative church in Atlanta.
How about you?
What other Christian wedding staples did I miss?
What did you do at your wedding or weddings you’ve been to?