(I recently reconnected with my counselor. With the Stuff Christians Like book due out, I knew I’d be in danger of getting a seriously massive ego, even if it only sells 100 copies. So I’m scheduling some new sessions with him to make sure I stay grounded. If that sounds dorky, it’s because I am in fact dorky. But this whole book thing has been kind of wild and people have started to ask me weird questions. Like this one: “Do you get recognized at church a lot?” That was a question someone asked me at a conference once. I had to laugh because here are a few other people who also attend the church I go to: Jeff Foxworthy, NFL great Jerome “The Bus” Bettis, MLB pitcher John Smoltz, Andy Stanley, etc. Needless to say, I don’t get recognized at church. But at Catalyst I did get spotted by my friend Matt from the Church of No People. He’s hilarious and in an effort to make sure I never start to think I’m some sort of fantastical big headed blogger, he wrote today’s guest post. I love the absurdity of it and think you will too.)
There are only a few truly important moments in each person’s life. Wedding days, the birth of a child, and baptism all rank at the top of the list. However, there is one day that every Christian should look forward to:
…meeting Jon Acuff.
I should know, because I recently did so, and it was everything I could imagine. However, like weddings or your child’s birth, meeting Jon Acuff is an event that requires a lot of preparation and planning, much like meeting the President or David Caruso. I’m here to help you with that …
Meeting Jon Acuff: a How-To Guide
Most people don’t know the first thing about meeting Jon Acuff. First, you need to get your facts straight.
Jon Acuff Fact Check:
1.) Jon Acuff is a mammal. You already have something in common with him, I hope.
2.) Jon Acuff is difficult to track in the wild because he’s usually surrounded by people who enjoy self-depreciating humor. Jon Acuff has a natural habitat, a “house,” where he likes to sleep after a grueling day of blogging. If you want to observe him in his natural element, you should camouflage yourself in the trees near his house and observe him from a distance.
3.) Jon Acuff has an acute sense of danger. When approaching him, do not sneak up on him or make sudden movements, as this startles him. Although he says he cannot break dance, this is just a diversion tactic. Jon Acuff has been known to pop and lock his way out of threatening situations. Once Jon Acuff has break danced away from you, it’s very hard to regain his trust.
Attracting Jon Acuff’s Attention or Suspicion:
Jon Acuff has a short attention span because he is constantly surrounded by people. How you can attract his attention in a crowd? Bright colors and shiny objects attract Jon Acuff, so wear a colorful Hawaiian shirt, and maybe some body glitter. Have some glow sticks or laser lights at the ready to wave in front of his face if he still doesn’t seem to notice you.
Jon Acuff also has a keen sense of smell. Therefore, you should groom yourself, and wear lots of expensive, musky cologne. If thinking about Jon Acuff makes you hot and sweaty, you should mask your natural funk with several scented car fresheners. Jon Acuff should be able to smell you before he even sees you, but in a good way.
Jon Acuff is Real:
Jon Acuff is more than a fairy tale. He’s a fact. My mom used to tell me that monsters weren’t real. Then I got older and she said the Easter Bunny wasn’t real. On my wedding day she told me it was time for me to stop believing in Jon Acuff because a husband who still believed in that kid stuff would be annoying. But I never stopped secretly believing, even though I couldn’t see him. And if you don’t believe in him, your heart is too small.
Though I couldn’t explain it, I knew in my heart that Jon Acuff was real. Then I met him, and my life has never been the same.
Meeting Jon Acuff:
It’s a good idea to make a life-size poster of Jon Acuff at home to practice talking to and side-hugging. On the night you plan to meet him, you should calm yourself by doing some yoga or tai chi or at least eating some Chinese food.
When you are at peace, and ready to meet Jon Acuff, do exactly as I say. Don’t look him in the eyes as you approach. Jon Acuff will probably be wearing some SCL pins on his shirt. Kiss one of the pins to show respect. At this point, neither of you will have spoken, but the background music will get more tense and there will be a smoke machine to set the mood. If you meet his high standards, Jon Acuff will show his approval by offering you a gift, such as one of his pins or stickers. You should give him a gift of equal value, such as a wicker chair or a delicious Skittles fruit cake. Here’s my foolproof recipe:
Ingredients: 1 fruitcake, 1 bag of Skittles
Purchase and unwrap fruitcake. Poke holes in fruitcake with index finger. Liberally fill fruitcake holes with Skittles. Rewrap. Present fruitcake to someone you love, with a card or drawing of the two of you holding hands.
When you present your gift to Jon Acuff, make sure you don’t grip it with your hand. Hold your hand out flat so your fingers don’t get hurt when he takes it.
Defending Jon Acuff’s Honor:
Sometimes, Jon Acuff doesn’t sense danger because his arch-nemesis has blocked his cat-like senses. So there could be a pirate or gorilla ready to sneak up on him when he least suspects it. You should be ready to protect Jon Acuff in this situation, and gain his approval at the same time. If you see a threat, leap from the tree or awning you’re sitting on, and pin the assailant to the ground with that wicker chair you were holding. Then, look at Jon Acuff and whisper, “Don’t worry, he won’t bother you anymore.” Then wink at him.
I am just one person. Many others have had amazing Jon Acuff experiences, and their stories need to be shared. In all our hearts, lives a little Jon Acuff. And by ‘little,’ I mean ‘small.’ What tips, stories, or useful Jon Acuff facts can you share?
(For more great stuff from Matt, make sure you check out his blog, The Church of No People.