(Recently we held a contest through Blog Tour Spot to find a new guest post. We got some great entries and this was my favorite. Fun stuff from a sharp writer named “Korin.” Enjoy!)
Stuff Christians Like: Baby Sunday School
In the church nursery, babies are expected to eat, drink, and be merry. This is in stark contrast to the expectations of Baby Sunday school attendees that include activities such as listening intently to lessons, producing hand crafted items with speed and accuracy, and memorizing Bible verses. However, the only distinguishing characteristic between the nursery and Baby Sunday School is that Sunday School babies are allegedly potty trained. This must mean that in the eyes of God, if you can use the toilet, you no longer get a free pass into the kingdom of heaven based on youth.
Note: I used the term allegedly potty trained, because in my experience, some parents define potty trained as “There is a distinct possibility that my child will pee his pants, but I am in the denial phase and am thus refusing to provide a diaper bag.”
Once a baby has passed the bladder control spiritual rite of passage, they are ready to make the transition to Baby Sunday School. Mark 10:15 basically states that toddlers are in their spiritual prime; thus, a great Baby Sunday School program is paramount. A successful program looks something like this…..
1) The answer is always Jesus
It is generally accepted that until children are of school age, they should not be made aware that there are other characters in the Bible besides Jesus; this includes God himself. If a question cannot be answered with an enthusiastic “Jesus”, try to rephrase the question.
2) Having a robust and engaging curriculum
A successful Sunday school program should be robust and engaging. This is “Christianese” for idiot proof, and slightly less boring than your grandmother’s church.
3) Ridiculous expectations
A good baby Sunday school teacher should demand the undivided attention of their students during story time, prior to leading them through a series of age inappropriate activities as prescribed by ‘an engaging and robust curriculum.’ For instance, you should expect a 3-year old to sit perfectly still during your 20-minute lecture on the lineage of Jesus Christ. Furthermore, it is a poor reflection on your leadership if your toddlers’ cross stitch needlework looks more like baby Gumby than baby Jesus.
4) Periodic horrific performances characterized by nepotism
Parents will bring roses, grandparents, and video cameras to commemorate a tone deaf rendition of virtually any worship song ever written, especially when there is a solo by an exceptionally untalented toddler who just happens to be the child of a member of the pastoral staff.
5) Snack time and potty breaks can convey the concept of heaven
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1) Perhaps a toddler’s greatest hope is for snack time and potty breaks. No matter how ‘robust and engaging’ of a lesson I deliver, nine times out of ten my pupils are thinking, “If I answer her next question with an extra loud Jesus, maybe snack time will come sooner.”
How about you? What have your experiences been with Baby Sunday School?
