Dear Big Church Hats,
Where do you go, my lovely? Where do you go? I want to know. Ohhhhweeeohhh.
I hate to quote the band, “No Mercy,” so early in a letter to you, but that’s what it’s come to Big Church Hats, isn’t it? I sit in church looking for you and you’re nowhere to be found. I scan the aisles for your melon protecting grandness, I look on the floor for the shadow of importance you cast at our feet but you remain hidden.
As a child, you were one of my favorite parts of church. I used to love to see your festive ribbons and accoutrements. You were like a scalp parade. So colorful! So bright! So big! And I was never one of those kids who would try to sneak church pencils and pocket mints onto you when no one was looking during service. Not me.
Do you come out on Easter? Are you like the hat version of that groundhog that tells us whether the winter will continue? You used to be an every Sunday item. Have hat, will travel. Now you’re reduced to special event cameos. You’re like Burt Reynolds on the show Burn Notice. Fun to have on a single episode but never turned into a full time character. You’re better than that big church hat. You are!
Will you come back? If one of the 17 different Kardashian sisters wear you and you get popular again, will you return to us and like LL Cool J, boldly proclaim, “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years?”
What if I started a blog for you called, “Stuff Christian Heads Like?” Would that do it? Would you come out of retirement and leave your friend “Scary brown panty hose” in the closet? I didn’t want to tell you this, but that is one running mate you can do without. I don’t even know what color those are, “Disappointment Beige” is what I would guess. You’re enough alone. Like Steve Perry and “Oh Sherry,” you’re ready for a solo album. No purse needed. No brown panty hose required. (But bring your friend Miss Crock Pot if you come, we miss her too.)
And the world you left has become way more flair orientated. Did you know men are wearing brightly festooned v-neck t-shirts now? And scarves! And sometimes even lady jeans!
Oh the world you’ll get to explore.
Come back big church hats. My love for you is deep and can only properly be expressed by the dance moves and vertical acoustic guitar playing of “No Mercy,” as demonstrated in the video below.
Forever waiting in Franklin, Tennessee,
Yours in cranium couture,
Jon
