The next time I put TOMS shoes on my 4-year-old, we’re going to have to cut them off her with some sort of surgical equipment. Or maybe she can have an Incredible Hulk moment of rage and bust her feet right out. Either way, they’re just not fitting anymore.
And that’s a sad day for a hip little Christian like McRae. It takes an eternity and the dexterity of a Japanese poison blowfish chef to slide them on right now. But regardless, she and most of Christianity are in love with TOMS. And for good reason, every time you buy a pair, TOMS donates another pair to someone in need.
Despite all that, there remain some unanswered questions that I felt like only Stuff Christians Like could get to the bottom of. Some deep, dare I say theological, issues we need to work out. Here are my questions about TOMS.
1. Am I the only one who feels like an extra in the movie, “Kill Bill” when I put them on?
Is there anyway that in addition to giving a pair away when I buy one, could you also give away a katana sword to me when I buy a pair?
2. Do 3 people get a new pair of shoes every time Shaq buys one?
His foot is the size of a boogie board. He can’t have the same social justice footprint as me. Is the generosity based on foot size?
3. Have you ever seen TOMS next to a pair of $1,000 shoes?
I have. They were ostrich and it was one of the most ironic shoe combinations I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen some pretty ironic shoe combinations.
4. Is Blake really the founder?
Come on you can tell me. He’s just so handsome and tall. In this superficial age we live in, is there any chance you guys Milli Vanillied the whole thing and the real founder is not 6’3” and a handsome former star of a reality show?
5. If I started a handkerchief company called, SMOT, would you guys have a problem with that?
I know it’s TOMS backwards, but it also sounds like a cooler version of “snot.” So, I think you can see my dilemma.
6. Did you ever think about partnering with American Apparel and releasing a limited time, special “v-neck shoe?”
7. I know you guys do an annual, “One Day Without Shoes” event but is there anyway you’d consider a “One Day Kick Someone You Don’t Like While Wearing TOMS” instead?
I’ve been looking for a way to kick my 7th grade orthodontist and if a charity could benefit at the same time, that would be great.
I don’t expect Blake, the founder of TOMS, to respond to these questions. If there really even is a Blake. For all I know, he’s some sort of “Good looking social justice” filter that Photoshop comes with these days.
But if Blake is real, if he does in fact exist, big kudos to him. You’ve done an amazing thing and it’s been a blast to watch it unfold. Don’t forget to about my kicking idea. We could even call it, “Can I kick it? Day.” Kids these days like the hip to the hop and you don’t stop.