“We’ve assigned someone to help you if your book signing line gets too long or out of control.”
That’s what one of the staff members told me at the Assemblies of God Influence Conference in Springfield, Missouri last week. And my first thought was,
“That is adorable.”
They were apparently not familiar with my Catalyst meet and greet, which was as successful as a relationship started on the show, “The Bachelor.” (They should do the engagement and the breakup shows on the same night to save time.)
Worst yet, the book signing table was in the hall where lunch was being served. So hundreds of people had to walk by me, standing at an empty table, while they went to lunch. It was like a parade of people not buying the Stuff Christians Like book.
The event turned out to be a blast though. The crowd was great, the music was awesome and the hosts were fantastic. Everything was perfect except for one terrifying thing I found in the church. One image that will forever be burned into your retinas should you continue to read this post. Prepare yourselves my friends, the photo is after the jump.
This was hanging on the wall backstage. (Backstage is a fancy term for extra large supply closet area.) It’s hard to get perspective on it in this photo, but I would say it 15 feet long.
And seeing it strapped there to the wall, I couldn’t help but be filled with questions:
1. Is this the more modern, relevant, millennial, postmodern, missional etc. version of a worship eagle?
2. I had to speak after the elderly President of the entire Assemblies of God. He’s got a great sense of humor, so I told the crowd, “I feel like I’m trying to speak after Gandalf. You can’t follow that guy. I want to follow someone average!” What did this church use for a sermon prop the week after this? How do you follow the giant blue dragon?
3. Is there a place that specializes in dragons? Can you place an order for a dragon?
4. If you created a prop this big, wouldn’t you feel obligated to use it in more than just one sermon series? Can you see trying to fit this thing into your Easter Sunday?
5. If you put like a camel hump on this and gave him some brown fur, could you sneak him into the nativity scene?
6. Is it possible that one of the people from the show, “Swamp People,” caught this with a treble hook and shot it before it “rolled them” like a big gator?
7. Is this large enough to snatch and grab people who refuse to scoot to the middle and make room for others right out of the service?
8. Is there anyway this thing could drop Easter Eggs from it’s talons at a kids event?
9. This looks like it is from a series about Avatar. Did the pastor preach that sermon in the full blue makeup?
10. I feel like Aragorn should fight this for some reason. I don’t know how or why, but he should. Is that so wrong?
11. If this is the prop they keep out in the open, where are the bigger ones they hide in deep storage? Somewhere in that church is a full size replica of the battle scene from Gladiator complete with chariots.
12. Is it possible this isn’t about Avatar, but as one person on Twitter said, this is actually Trogdor the Burninator from Strongbad?
13. What’s scarier, the open mouth full of teeth or that it requires industrial strength restraints to be held back from complete and utter world domination?
14. Doesn’t it look like that thing is straining in a raw, animal desperation to get the cupcakes on the table?
15. My kids were once frightened of a guy in a gingerbread man outfit. How many dads got to have the “It’s OK that you peed your pants during church,” conversation with their kids that day?
16. Is there anyway that other churches have these too and they can hold back alley, “Dragon Fights” on the weekend?
17. Does the church ever worry that radical Renaissance Festival attendees are going to break in and free this beautiful beast?
18. Would it be possible to get a look at the props that this church rejected as being “too big and crazy?”
19. Forget bouncey blow up things, you want to dominate Vacation Bible School season, have you considered dragon rides?
20. For man retreats, have you thought about allowing people to hunt this thing in the wild, like Gary Busey with Ice-T in “Surviving the Game?”
So many questions, so many questions.
Kudos to this church for being creative and fun. They seemed like an awesome environment and I dig seeing folks step outside the norm to communicate.
Do you have any questions?
What would you title a sermon series that featured this dragon?
