(I’ve never met Jay Bakker, the son of Jim and Tammy Faye, but from all reports, he’s a really solid guy. He’s got a thriving ministry up north and apparently does some awesome work. I probably could have met him when I was a kid, but I was too obsessed with the water park his parents built. Part of the PTL complex, that water park was one of the most amazing places I’ve ever been. As a kid, that honestly was one of the greatest days of my life. I loved that thing. I hate that there was heartache associated with started from a good place, but that was years ago and apparently the Bakkers are just messed up people like me. That said, I thought my days of Born-Again Water Parks were long behind me. Until I read this guest post. Oh happy day, oh happy day! I loved this third paragraph and think you’ll like this guest post as much as I did. Enjoy!)
Born-Again Water Parks
God has been doing some amazing things lately in my corner of the world. Lives are being changed, decisions are being made, and spiritual battles are being won.
I am talking, of course, about my local water park.
Earlier this year, a mega church bought out the water park in my hometown and refocused its ministry efforts there. At long last, this pagan park renounced its evil ways and took on a new name to symbolize its new identity in Christ. It traded in its string bikini for the far more holy tankini and began blasting Christian radio over its loudspeakers 24/7. Overall, I think it’s a conversion story on par with that of the Apostle Paul.
I have high hopes for this water park. Finally, there will be a family-friendly place where you can take your kids to play throughout the summer. I’m sure you will feel more secure knowing that the lifeguards on duty have been trained not just in saving lives, but also in saving souls.
I want to do my part and help this park out however I can. So I have assembled a list of water rides that will fit into its mission:
1. The Lazy Sinner River
Like the traditional Lazy River, with an extra helping of guilt
2. Baptismal Blowout
Accommodates all theologies! The ride takes you through the Fount of Every Blessing, which gently sprinkles holy water on the top of your head, before dunking you underwater in the Immersion Pool. There is even a specially designed infant seat, if you’re into that sort of thing.
3. Leap of Faith
Twenty feet taller than the high diving board, the Leap of Faith sets the bar high. As you jump off the platform, just remember that all things are possible with faith!
4. Who Would Jesus Dunk
Youth pastors beware! All park visitors can take a turn at this dunking booth and try to drop you into the tank below. Don’t forget to buy souvenir WWJD bracelets from the gift shop!
5. The Backslide
The ultimate thrill ride! You begin smoothly on a horizontal slide before taking a steep plunge into the enclosed section of the ride called the Hellhole. The Hellhole traps heat better than a sauna, and you may get stuck here, wondering if you’ll ever make it out alive.
6. Walk-on-Water Wave Pool
Surf for the Savior in this giant wave pool! We turn up the waves and let you find out if you have what it takes to defy the laws of nature!
7. Revival Raceway
Go headfirst down one of 7 parallel racing slides. It’s a race to the altar — can you be the first to recommit your life to Christ?
I’m sure the park could use your help, too.
What rides would you like to see?
(For more great stuff from Callie Dean, check out her site creativetheology.wordpress.com)
