(I’ve spent the last few days with one of the funniest people I know, Bryan Allain. You’ve seen his work here before, he’s going to have a book eventually and I think you’ll dig today’s guest post. Enjoy!)
Leaving a church, 2.0
Oh technology, how you have enriched our lives.
Years ago when I wanted to know who won last night’s game I watched CNN headline news for “sports on the sevens”. These days I’ve got live sporting events on my High-Def pocket phone.
Years ago if I wanted to know how a radio worked, I made up crazy theories about a band of miniature musicians who lived in each device that could play every song known to man. These days, I can go online and learn how to build my own radio out of binder clips and Neosporin. (Though I’m still partial to the mini-musicians idea, which I believe was heavily influenced by the technological revelations on the Flintstones.)
Years ago when I wanted to know if there was any Cracker Barrel extra sharp cheese in the fridge I’d have to get up and go see for myself. These days I can just open the iFridge app on my iPhone and not only check how many slices are left, but have them beamed right to my spot on the couch. (I’m dreaming here people, work with me.)
It seems technology has made the good things better and the bad things worse.
Take leaving a church, for example. Twenty years ago if you decided to take your bible and go home, there were only so many grenades you could drop on the way out. A theatrical outburst at the mid-week prayer meeting, a few gossip-riddled conversations at the pharmacy, and a phone call or two to poison your branch of the prayer-chain were the extent of the damage you could do.
But these days with the help of technology, you can burn so many bridges leaving a church that George Jetson would be able to see the flames while flying home from a Spacely Sprockets. (And with that I’ve used up my quota of Hanna-Barbera references for this decade.)
Don’t believe me that leaving church can be much more disastrous than ever in 2010? Think I’m exaggerating the devious options that Web 2.0 has opened up for disgruntled Christians? Planning on closing this article if I ask one more question? Have I got a 7-Step program for you.
Leaving a Church 2.0* (a 7-Step Program)
Step 1 – Use Facebook.
a. Passive Aggressive Facebook Updates. Before you un-friend everyone in your church, fling a little poo. Start with a status update that says,”looking for a ‘real’ church, any suggestions?” When folks ask you what happened, tell them the wound is too fresh to go into detail.
b. Comment on Status Updates. Whenever anyone from your church says something nice about a recent church service or ministry event, leave a comment that says “this is when i wish Facebook had a ‘dislike’ button”.
c. Mass Un-Friending. Finally, un-friend everyone who goes to your church. They won’t realize right away that you’ve done it, but eventually people will catch on. Turning down their requests when they try to friend you back will be the gift that keeps on giving for the next 3 months.
Step 2 – Write Negative Reviews.
Find your church’s podcast in iTunes and spend an entire day posting scathing reviews. Do the same for any clips on YouTube and Vimeo. And if you’re lucky enough that your pastor is an author, by all means turn the review section of his book’s Amazon page into the web equivalent of a roast.
Step 3 – Page Not Loading.
Hire a hacker to organize a massive denial-of-service attack on the church website the week before the launch of their biggest series of the year. Make sure all their promotional material has been mailed out and the story in the local paper has already run. Chances are no one at the church will be web-savvy enough to figure out what’s going on.
Step 4 – Get Your Blog On.
Start a new blog, IhateFreedomSpringRiverChurch.wordpress.com, and link to it from all of your social networking sites. Be sure to populate the blog with a few posts before you launch it. Some great starter posts include “The Top 10 Fakest People at Freedom Spring River”, “R-Rated Movies other than Braveheart that I’m pretty sure Pastor Rick has watched”, “People who Put $1 Bills in the Offering Bag”, and “The Least Talented People in the Worship Ministry”.
Step 5 – The RickRoll.
Still have that hacker on Speed Dial? Hire him one more time to redirect everyone who goes to your church’s website to get RickRolled. Just make sure you send them to the worst Rick Astley video ever. No, not “Never Gonna Give You Up”, send them to his new one, “Lights Out”. (i mean seriously Rick, what is up with the hand motions?)
Step 6 – Wreak Twitter Havoc.
First, change your Twitter bio to “Christ Follower, FORMER member of Freedom Spring River Church.” Next create a public Twitter List called “Hypocrites” and populate it with everyone who goes to your church, including the pastors. Finally, re-tweet every spiritual tweet they post with snarky comments. Examples:
RT @PastorRickFSRC “Seek Ye First The Kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you” // like your new Turbo Audi, pastor moneybags???
RT @PaulReedSmitty77 Great worship practice tonight. Felt the presence of God there. // Sure it wasn’t just the key changes, you musical pharisee?
RT @MaryBeth_Simmons So thankful for my small group. Needed their support tonight. // They all hate you.
Step 7 – Go into the Vault.
Remember that time “the laughers” cackled during the entire 11am service like the Holy Spirit was tickling them with a feather from Lady Gaga’s peacock outfit? Find that video and sent it to Mathew Paul Turner to highlight on jesusneedsnewpr.net. In fact, any video that involves laughing, barking, or people laying on the sanctuary floor covered in modesty cloths can be edited to look terrible, so crack open iMovie and get to it.
And with that, take a deep breath and roast some marshmallows over those burning bridges.
—
Joking aside, putting this list together got me thinking of the time my parents left the church we were going to when I was in high school, and it made me wonder how many of you all have been through a similar experience.
Have you ever left a church, either as a kid with your parents or as an adult? Was the experience uneventful or more like a train wreck?
*And for the record, if you’re REALLY going to leave a church I hope you do the exact opposite of what’s on this list. I hope you move on leaving a trail of grace and humility behind you.
Bryan Allain writes daily doses of nonsense and inspiration at his blog BryanAllain.com and on Twitter @bryanallain.
