Sometimes, before the service starts, I stare at the ceiling in church. For reasons I can’t explain, I’m pretty convinced that at some point, I will need to possess catlike reflexes in order to dive out of the way, in order to avoid a stereo speaker that is falling.
I’ve never actually witnessed this.
As a pastor’s kid, I have sat through thousands of church services. I have seen elderly members bring in their own tambourine, crazy Vacation Bible Schools and a million other things, but I have never seen a speaker fall.
And yet, I am convinced it is only a matter of time. Perhaps it will happen before worship begins. (Which I love at Cross Point.) Perhaps it will happen in that magical moment when my pastor, Pete Wilson, materializes out of the dark to start the sermon. This is one of my favorite moments and I secretly hope that one day Pete will emerge dramatically like metrosexual magician Criss Angel. Perhaps it will happen at the end of the sermon when some slow Aisle Blocker is delaying my egress. It’s really hard to tell.
But this is what I think about. If you see me taking notes before the service starts I’m probably not writing down Stuff Christians Like ideas. I’m probably charting stereo speaker escape routes. (Go toward the stage. That’s the mistake most people make. You have to go deeper into danger to escape danger because exits are often uphill depending on the design of your church.)
My wife is probably praying before church starts. She is good like that. She is hott and smart and tells me things like, “No one has ever put their foot in their ear. Talk less and listen more.” She spends her pre church moments praying or thinking about Grace Livingston Hill or Francine Rivers books.
Me? I’m like Patrick Swayze in the movie Roadhouse. I’m looking for possible obstacles. Low pews I can jump. Church pencils I might slip on. Older people who have already enjoyed very long, fruitful lives and may have to take one for the team if a speaker falls. Normal, mature kind of stuff like that.
I’m probably alone in this concern. I can appreciate that. I’m weird. You never think about this. But what do you think about? What’s the weird, distracting thought you seem to come back to while you’re waiting for church to start?
