Today is Christmas Eve, Eve or what I’m trying to get people to say, “The Christmas Eve Pre-Party.”
Rather than go the expected route and write about Christmas, which I did yesterday, I thought it might be time to discuss a phenomenon I find perplexing – the guy who wears shorts to church in winter.
Are you familiar with this person? If not, it’s really not that complicated of a scene to imagine. Take a freezing day, add a guy who wears shorts to church and you’ve pretty much got it. On the face of it, it’s so simple, but there are still so many unanswered questions and thoughts that need to be addressed.
Here are 16 things that go through my mind when I see “Winter Shorts Man.”
1. “Welcome to Stuff Christians Like. That is a living and breath post right there.”
2. “Somebody who skims the post and doesn’t read the second point is going to say, ‘Maybe he only owns shorts and he can’t afford long pants.’ But I saw this guy in pants a few weeks ago, so that’s a silly argument.”
3. “Maybe he wants me to know he owns shorts? Kind of like the guy I saw who brought his full size Apple desktop to the coffee shop. He literally set up his monitor. Maybe that guy is really proud of his shorts.”
4. “Is it possible that pants killed his father and he’s sworn off them as kind of a ‘Red Dawn,’ Wolverine kind of thing?”
5. “Really Jon? How would a pair of pants kill a man? You are so dumb.”
6. “You are really dumb, for real. So dumb, so dumb. He’s climbing in yo’ windows …”
7. “Refocus, back to the shorts. You know what? There’s not an opposite guy in the summer. There’s a guy who wears shorts in the winter but no one who wears a snowsuit in the summer. That’s weird.”
8. “Does he ever cry in his car, both from leg hypothermia and that no one talked to him about his ‘calf cry for help?’”
9. “Maybe he got calf implants and his just sending out some vibe for the ladies. All the single ladies. Ohh Oh Oh.”
10. “Does he hate mother nature? Is this a big ‘screw you,’ to winter? A private battle one man is fighting against the temperature?”
11. “Is this an Al Gore thing? Like a legless jihad against the idea of global warming?”
12. “Does our pastor Pete Wilson ever get emails about stuff like this? Do people ever ask Pete to step in and ‘long pants someone?’”
13. “Can you really shave your legs as a boy if you’re not an Olympic level biker?”
14. “Would it be weird if I asked him about the decisions he’s making in life? Probably. If someone came up to me and said, “Hey, I know you don’t know me, but I’d like to talk to you about your pants,” that would be odd.”
15. “I can respect the guy who wears flip flops at the same time. If you wear winter boots and thick socks, you’re kind of missing the point. Go all in or don’t go at all.”
16. This shorts guy is a little silly, but he’s way better than that 60 year old at the gym who loves to walk around buck naked. What is it about turning 60 that makes you think to yourself, ‘It’s naked time!’”
That’s usually what I’m thinking when I see the guy wearing shorts in the middle of the winter. But it’s very possible I’m the only one who has seen this guy at church or in youth group.
Have you ever seen him?
