(Curtis Honeycutt is so old school SCL that I think he was reading it before I even started writing it. I would just think thoughts about Christian satire and in Indianapolis he would would quietly laugh. But if you’ve read the site for a while to than you know he is a master at the guest post. Here’s another great one that I loved. Enjoy!)
By Curtis Honeycutt
See what I just did? I relevanted Bible covers by calling them Bible cozies, and that’s what I’m all about. A cozy is sometimes known as a warm feeling you get when you see a kitten lick a puppy’s nose, but it’s also a foam device used to keep beverages cold. And, no, they’re not called “coozies”. I’m pretty sure a coozy is one of Thomas Edison’s failed patents, which was his idea to combine two of his favorite things: kazoos and snickerdoodle cookies.
For the kids out there who don’t know what Bible cozies are, they’re like phone cases for your Bible, which your parents read in book form. For those of you who don’t know what books are—books are those things people used to check out at libraries—before libraries became free Blockbusters.
Yeah, sure, I know what many of the tech-savvy readers out there are mind-Tweeting: “But we all have Bibles on our phones.” Yeah, well, this post is for the people who don’t have a hover boards or use trash to power their time machines.
Technology aside, a surprising amount of Christians prefer the tried-and-true approach, toting their Bibles dutifully under their arms on Sunday mornings nestled inside Bible cozies (to save time and avoid confusion, I’m going to type “B.C.” from now on). The B.C. was originally invented by St. Francis of Assisi around the year 1200 A.D. because he kept spilling coffee on his Bible; now B.C.s have their own section at Christian bookstores. If he could only see them now, he’d probably say something like, “Bookstore? Ha! That must only be for the richest lords in the land!”
There are a vast array of B.C.s out there, and you’re going to want to make sure yours represents you well. Here are some examples:
Made of Metal
If your B.C. is made of metal, you probably have a man cave in your basement. You make Bear Grylls look like he’s having a tea party. Covered in titanium, your Bible is now bulletproof and requires a 14 digit combination to unlock it. The made of metal B.C. doubles as a blunt weapon and can redirect laser fire (in case you find yourself in a James Bond situation).
The Precious Moments B.C. is still hanging in there. It is usually the same consistency as a pillow (which helps during a long prayer during the early service) and has ruffles, not to mention the giant-eyed sad children (who to this day haunt my dreams). If you spot one of these with someone over the age of ten, tell them to grow up.
The B.C. B.C.
I was hoping that abbreviating Bible cozy with “B.C.” would save me energy, but here I am explaining that a B.C. B.C. is a papier mache Bible cozy made by gluing your favorite B.C. comic strips together, forming a coffee spill-resistant exterior and providing a guaranteed chuckle when you most need it.
The leather Bible cozy says: “I don’t mess around; an endangered, burgundy-hued cow died so I could carry my Bible by this reinforced handle.” The leather Bible cozy wins the gold medal, as it is the most common style (although I wonder why I’ve never seen a white one with large black splotches).
This is a Bible cozy with a Thomas Kincade painting printed on it. It gets the silver medal for Bible cozies, but wins the gold in the “Most Lighthouses” category.
A person who rocks the duct tape Bible cozy is resourceful, if not a little nerdy. If they also sport the duct tape wallet, neck tie, and pocket square, tell them that you will pray for them.
Those are the most common types of Bible cozies out there. Something is priceless about having a hard time turning those super-thin, silver-edged pages of a physical Bible (not to mention the maps at the end) that the app just can’t replace. Which Bible cozies have you spotted at your church? Which ones would you like to see?
(For more great stuff from Curtis, check out his blog “Get compelled.”