Last week, the alarm system in our house started going off at 5 in the morning. It was still dark out or otherwise I would have been fine. Let’s get that straight right now. If it was bright out, I probably would have just rolled right out of bed onto the massive pile of pillows my wife insists belong on our bed when we’re not in it and then just punched whoever set off the alarm right in the face.
Then I would have kicked him for telling me I write run on sentences like that last one, which would have been an oddly specific thing for a cat burglar to know about me.
But it was dark, so here, in a rambletastic list are the things that went through my head:
1. What’s that beeping noise? I hope it’s not the alarm system. I hope it’s the smoke detector.
2. Really? I’d rather the house be filling with smoke instead of having the house alarm triggered by a bird hitting the window? That’s surprising given how terrified I am of the smoke monster from Lost.
3. I should really go watch that clip of Sawyer and Juliet holding hands at the snack machine. Such a good scene.
4. Focus! There’s probably some sort of jewel thief in the house right now.
5. Alright, where are my mission trip machetes? As a boy, you’re required by Christian law to get one whenever you go on a mission trip, where are they?
6. I bet we haven’t unpacked them yet from moving to Nashville. Have we needed them for anything else? Have I been chopping down underbrush or scaling jungle trees to crack open coconuts with my machete since we moved here? Nope. Not that I can remember. They’re probably still in a box somewhere.
7. I’d feel safer if my wife and kids were here and not out of town. Why though? What sort of burglar assistance am I expecting from my 5 year old? Why does that make me feel safe? I know I pretend that she can pick me up, but between you and me, I’m jumping a little every time she tries just to make her feel strong.
8. If the burglar is 30 pounds or less she’s got a fighting chance, otherwise, she’s not going to be any help.
9. At what age do bumps in the night stop freaking you out?
10. Wait, our alarm system isn’t even hooked up. We’ve never connected it. Is that reassuring or even more frightening?
11. Is it possible that someone reconnected the alarm system so they could set it off again just to mess with me? Am I in the middle of one of the Saw movies, which I have not seen cause the trailer is scary enough? What kind of madman am I dealing with here?
12. Let me look at the alarm system. (Open box on wall). OK, there’s one light blinking, let’s see what the instructions say that means. “One light = trouble.” Oh, OK.
13. Wait, what? What is that supposed to mean? How terrifyingly vague is that thing? “Trouble.” Why don’t they just say, “You’re screwed,” or “The call is coming from inside the house.” I need details! Trouble could be anything.
14. Where is that stupid mission trip machete? I’ve got to find a use around the house for that thing so that I can justify having it out to my wife. Letter opener for any massive letters we get? Obligatory mission trip art we hang near the wooden giraffe or elephant everyone gets?
Much like the Michael W. Smith run in, these thoughts cascaded in my head in about 4 minutes. Then I called my wife and asked her what I should do. She suggested I hit reset on the alarm. I did. It stopped beeping immediately. But …it could have been an intruder or a smoke monster.
What about you? Do you have a mission trip souvenir that doubles as a weapon for things that go bump in the night?