On any given Sunday, the phrase not the Al Pacino football movie, it’s OK to be late to church. To be the guy who waits until the crowd is standing up singing and sidles in or times his walk in to a prayer so everyone has their eyes closed.
But on Easter Sunday, my “gotta get to church on time” internal sensor goes to terror level red. And yesterday my somewhat silent anxiety about arriving on time was even higher than usual because we just moved. Yesterday was the first time we’ve ever driven to church from our new house. We don’t know the roads or the shortcuts or the most efficient routes. We didn’t even pre-game the drive or do a dry run the night before.
Although you might not share this same sense of anxiety I have, I promise there are at least 6 things that tend to conspire against us when it comes to getting to church on time on Easter:
1. Fancy clothes.
You don’t wear a tie all year, but on Easter Sunday morning you will tie and re-tie and shorten the length and lengthen what’s too short over and over again. (I can only tie a tie in two lengths: 1. So long it falls somewhere below the zipper of my pants. 2. So short it looks like some sort of dandy ascot like Austin Powers would wear.) You will try to get your baby into a seersucker suit or button tiny flower shaped buttons on your daughter’s dress that refuse to stay buttoned. You will look for a belt or a big hat that you never wear, except for Easter Sunday. Fancy clothes always make you late to church on Easter.
2. Photos
Once in said fancy clothes, it’s time to take some photos. This is the only Sunday morning of the year during which you will add a photo shoot to the mix. And your kids won’t stay still because they’re in fancy/uncomfortable clothes and therefore want to get their squirm on. Or if you don’t have kids, you can’t run back to the camera next to your husband fast enough for the timer to get you in the photo because you’re wearing fancy high heels. So you reshoot over and over. Or if you’re single, well I’m not sure this one applies. When I was single I never once set up a tripod just to take some photos of myself on a Sunday morning before I left for church.
3. Church traffic
God bless this one, because it’s awesome to see church overflowing with people, but if you allow yourself the same amount of time it takes you to park on a random Sunday in April, you are in for some slowness. In the South, not only do you have to factor in your own church’s parking lot, you have to also factor in the 19 other churches you will drive past on the way to yours.
4. Sunday lunch
My wife made lasagna and banana pudding before church yesterday morning. Let me break that down for you. At 7AM she was browning meat, grating mozzarella and boiling big long noodles for a huge Sunday meal. I can’t speak for your house, but that’s not part of our normal routine which, as I’ve mentioned before, is well oiled and precisely timed. Getting Sunday lunch ready before you leave tends to throw a wrench in the whole process.
5. Epic fight
I’ve talked about this before. The enemy hates a unified front when it comes to Sunday morning. It’s easy to find yourself engaged in a completely silly, but completely distracting argument that knocks you off course and off schedule. Topics include “I told you that shirt was too wrinkled to wear but it’s too late now to iron it,” and “I’m not the one who invited your entire family over for Easter lunch.”
6. Shoes for American Girl Dolls
This is where I lose 98% of the people reading this blog. Part of what delayed us yesterday is that my daughters always wear the same dress as their American Girl Dolls do on Easter. Then they bring the doll to church with them. As you can imagine, this introduces all sorts of complications to my life. For one thing, the Emily doll had on black shoes and so did my daughter L.E. which meant that McRae was not going to leave the house unless the Molly doll had on white shoes that matched the ones she was wearing. Four minutes before we left the house I was sorting through doll shoes with McRae, desperate to find a white pair. At one point I found some and McRae said, “No, those are really more of a gray than a white.” And even when you find the right pair, putting shoes on American Girl Dolls is a task that requires a ninja like, laser beam of focus and dexterity. That will slow you down.
Hopefully you had smooth sailing yesterday and were able to focus on what Easter is really all about. Hopefully you didn’t have a fight or have trouble getting into fancy clothes. Hopefully, you have a better eye for matching tiny doll shoes to tiny doll feet.
How about it though, were you on time yesterday for Easter service?
