I knew it would happen when we moved to Nashville. People warned me. Deep down in my own heart, I knew it was a very real possibility. I just didn’t know it would happen this quickly.
I’m now in stage 5 of Deep V-Neck Syndrome.
When we moved to Nashville from Atlanta last August, I was in stage 3. That’s the judgment stage, as in “When you own a single deep v-neck t-shirt you start to judge every other crew neck shirt in your wardrobe as boring and lazy and without any sort of flair.”
The weird thing is that I skipped right over stage 4. That’s where you actually start to make your own v-necks, taking a pair of scissors, or in extreme situations, a bowie knife, to your other t-shirts to render them V-tastic.
I haven’t made my own v-neck shirts, but recently I caught myself wearing a v-neck from H&M that was deep like the river Jordan. I’d like to say that my wife bought me a v-neck sweater that required me to purchase that H&M deep v-neck t-shirt for underneath, but one of my marriage vows was to never throw my wife under a wardrobe bus.
The scary thing is that, as I’ve toured the country this last year, I’ve realized that deep v-neck syndrome (DVS) goes much deeper than I initially imagined. There are actually 8 stages, not 5. Some Christians at the churches I’ve been speaking at are actually going “beyond deep v-neck syndrome.”
Here are the next three stages you need to watch out for:
Stage 6: The shave
Nothing says, “Me & V-necks 4-eva!” like actually shaving your chest so that you can wear a deep V. The challenging thing about this stage is that it’s hard to shave your chest because you can’t look in the mirror because you can no longer look yourself in the face anymore for the shame of what you’re doing. And once you shave the v-neck t-shirt area, you face the same dilemma Seinfeld faced in the episode where he shaved his chest. Where does it end? Do you keep going? How far? Beware my friend: In a few minutes, you might find yourself completely hairless like one of those scary cats. Sure, you’ll be more aerodynamic, but what kind of life is that to live?
Stage 7: The choke
Something weird happens after you wear v-necks for a while. When you try to put a crew neck t-shirt on it starts to feel like it’s choking you. You think, “Is this too tight on my neck? Ugh, I don’t know if I can even breathe in this thing. What sort of cotton poly blend torture device is this? I gotta get this thing off, right now, before I pass out!” And panicked, clutching at your neck, you rip it off and return back to the bosom of your friend, the v-neck. If it doesn’t choke you, at the bare minimum, after months of wearing v-necks, you start to visually think crew necks look like “t-shirt turtlenecks.”
Stage 8: The sunburn
Laugh, oh laugh all you want, but eventually if you wear v-neck’s long enough, you’ll get a v-neck shaped sunburn. One day, you’re enjoying an outdoor summer concert surrounded by skinny jeans and people who are pretending they’ve loved the banjo as an instrument for years. The next, you’re wearing a deep red triangle of shame that says, “Look at me, I shaved my chest, wore a navel grazing v-neck t-shirt and didn’t put on any sunscreen!” You’re not a redneck at this point, my friend. You’re a “mauve neck.”
The last time I wrote about Deep V-neck Syndrome, my warning went unheeded. I even didn’t listen to my own advice. Hopefully, this year will be different. Hopefully, you’ll put down the razor and step away from the deep V-neck t-shirt. If not for yourself, for the children. Who I believe are the future.
Have you ever worn a v-neck t-shirt? What stage are you in?