(It’s guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam! Here’s a new one from Lyndsay Rush, a Freelance Writer/Storyteller. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)
Christian Pickup Lines. – By Lyndsay Rush
Oh, dating.
It’s beautiful, really: Boy meets girl, boy woos girl, girl falls for boy. Wedding. Babies. Bliss.
Or, if you’re a Christian, it may go a little more like this: boy meets girl, boy hangs in groups with girl, girl falls in love, boy sends a text message, girl reads dating book, boy eats pizza, girl writes journal entries to her future husband, boy checks out the new Liam Neeson film, girl asks for prayer from her small group.
And on goes the love story. Clearly we Christians have really got this whole thing on lock, right?
If you’re starting to doubt our dating prowess, think again. Don’t discount that we’ve created an entire lexicon of our own words for it. We drop ‘pursue’ and ‘intention’ bombs to describe it, we have graphs and charts and Venn diagrams to track it; we have promise rings to commemorate it.
And try as we may to french kiss it goodbye, it’s not going anywhere. So in the meantime let’s focus on the magical thing that happens before the love story; the thing even the best books, E-harmony commercials, or Women’s Conferences can’t teach us. That’s right: the Christian pickup line.
Didn’t know it was a ‘thing’? That’s probably because it’s that subtle and powerful. And while in the past I’ve discussed such hot topics as parenting, and, oh, dating, it’s time we focus on the real issue: hitting on strangers who share your beliefs (I’m ever the hard-hitting investigative journalist).
So without further ado, here is a list of Christian Pickup Lines: Use wisely. Or, more aptly, please, please do not use these at all.
- “I would part the Red Sea for you.” It’s the Bruno Mars of Christian pick up lines.
- “What’re you doing for the rest of your afterlife?” Hashtag #raptureromance.
- “Did you say your name was Esther? Oh, I guess I just think you were chosen for such a time as this.” I call this the money shot.
- “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” This one is has been out there in the real world being used unknowingly by non-believers for dozens of years. Get after it.
- “Did I see you at the 12:30?” Great convo starter; risky closer. This is not for the faint of heart because the 12:30 could mean literally dozens of churches. But if she is 26 or under, the chances that she goes to a 12:30 somewhere, are really high. Good luck.
- “10% of me is 100% certain that I can give you 10% of my heart forever.” This is to be used only during tithe and offering time and is so confusing it just may work.
- “I feel like God’s telling me to date you.” If any of us had a dime.
- “Let’s be like Noah and do this as a pair.” Solid. Gold.
- “You must be Egyptian because I’m a slave for you.” It’s Britney meets B.C.
- “You and me, we’re like loaves and fishes…we just might be a miracle.” Mystery and intrigue are the key to any good relationship. Oh, and raw fish.
- “Do you want to be accountability partners?” Oldest trick in the book.
- “On first dates, I always take girls to get BBQ ribs. It feels the most biblical considering they came from one.” This one is super impressive.
- “I know you’ve already said no once, but call me Joshua because I’m going to break down your walls.” I think any woman would love to be referred to as Jericho.
- “I’m no Joseph, but I’m having trouble interpreting the dreams I’ve been having about you.” As long as you don’t mention skinny or fat cows, you should be golden. Wait, no golden cows either.
- “I don’t know if you noticed but, when you walked into the room, that was me giving up a clap offering.” Points for enthusiasm.
- “I may not have a job right now, and I may live in my parent’s basement, but I swear to you I’m storing up treasure in heaven and my mansion is gonna rock.” If this doesn’t get her, nothing else will.
- “Wanna come over and watch Left Behind?” Hey, it just might work.
But surely, I’m not the only one who has heard lines like this. Have you ever heard a Christian pickup line?
(For more great stuff from Lyndsay, make sure you check out her blog.)
