That I am aware of, my dad is not telepathic. Yes, while pastoring the church I grew up in he did seem to know if I ever made out with a girl after youth group, but that did not require special powers. That required “deacons.”
But despite that, once a year, he always exhibited an otherworldly type of power, a sixth sense as it were. If he was Haley Joel Osment in a movie he would have simply stood by the mailbox with translucent, creepy eyes and said:
“I see swimsuit photos and I throw them away.”
It’s true, the Reverend Mark Acuff has a 1.000 percent career throwing away the Sports Illustrated swimsuit record. He never missed. With cat like reflexes and a combination of both long game and short game, he consistently beat the teenage version of me to the mailbox.
Now that I’m a dad and not actively trying to defeat what I perceived was my father’s anti body painting tyranny, I want to tell you how he did it. Maybe you can do this for your kids some day too.
4 ways to know the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Is Coming:
1. Your kids check the mail.
Let’s be honest, how many times a year are your kids checking the mailbox? Maybe at Christmas, but other than that, they probably avoid it all together. But if you’ve got teenagers, this will be the one time of the year they are suddenly deeply engaged in the whereabouts of the mailman.
2. It’s February.
Go ahead and put a little automatic reminder in your iPhone for next February. It’s the same time each year. Just be smart about how you write the reminder, especially if you share your calendar at work. If you type, “Swimsuit Issue!” as your reminder, coworkers are going to think you’re really, really excited about “swimsuit season.”
3.CNNSI.com starts covering bikinis like they’re a sport.
One day you’re reading well written, journalistic articles about Linsanity and cheering on the underdog sports hero of the Knicks. The next, CNNSI.com has transformed into naked town, suddenly dropping first string sports coverage for g-string focus. This is the most obvious sign that the Sports Illustrated issue is headed to your mailbox. If you don’t pick up on this one then you have even bigger problems than the Knicks do when Melo comes back and takes all of Linsanity’s shots.
4. A murder of ravens.
We were warned many moons ago, yet we forget. When bare feet pad, in swimsuits clad, across this land the ravens go mad. With a darkness that makes night seem bright and a cry that makes you question the very geography of your own soul, they will take to the sky to rain down beating wings and air broken by the lashing air.
Whoa, that last one got away from a little bit. I’ve been reading Robert Jordan fantasy books lately. You’re lucky there wasn’t a unicorn or protective coyote in that last point.
Kudos dad, for tossing out the swimsuit issue. (To any haters who say, “Why didn’t you just cancel your subscription, I say, “Go heels, Red Sox and Patriots” who we enjoyed the 51 other weeks of the year.)
Did your parents ever do anything like that with magazines or TV?
Are you right now?
(This is a Throwback Thursday post from a few years ago.)
