In our continuing look at Spring Break and the ways to survive, we pick up with part 2 of the story. (Click here to read part 1.)
Today, let’s talk about how to survive Spring Break if you live at home with your parents or work in a cubicle.
Spring breaking if you live at home with your parents.
Ahh, did the old boomerang move, huh? I did that after college too. In order to survive Spring Break if your roommates are named “mom and dad,” you’ll need to get creative.
1. Do not bring 80 pounds of sand into the living room.
This move is amazing for the Sigma Chi house. It’s horrible for your parents’ house. You’d be amazed at how uptight parents are when they come home from work and find three feet of ocean grade sand just west of the kitchen. Don’t do this.
2. Don’t destroy your bedroom as if it were a hotel room.
It’s Spring Break, or what some people call “Chair throwing season.” Resist the urge to drag your mattress into the hall. Put down the table lamp. Don’t turn over the TV “just because it seemed like something Russell Brand would do.” You’re at home. You might be able to register under a fake name, Donnie Blockensmith, and then escape in the middle of the night before the Holiday Inn staff catches you. But you’re parents? They will find you. They know where you live. And if you destroy your bedroom Spring Break style, they might destroy you, Jerry Springer style.
3. Pretend you’re on MTV’s The Real World.
You might not be able to go on an epic Spring Break, but you could pretend that your living situation is like MTV’s famous reality show, The Real World. Ask your parents if they’ll play along for a few months. Will there be cameras all over the house? Nope, but that doesn’t mean you can’t all pick from one of the many stereotypes available for houseguests on The Real World. Maybe your dad could be the angry skinny guy with lots of tattoos and a heart of gold. You could be the jock who is the king of his small town but feels like a small fish in a big pond in the city and will eventually headbutt a wall. You’re mom could be the girl who wants to be a model or an actress or waitress. You don’t have to use those. Just have some fun with it. It’s a great distraction from Spring Break.
Spring breaking if you work in a cubicle.
Welcome to three-and-a-half walls of fabric frustration. Sitting in a cubicle right now? Here are some important things to remember in order to survive Spring Break this year.
1. Do not bring a blender to the office break room.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who said anything about alcohol? Interesting that your first thought went to margaritas. Very interesting, indeed. Quit judging me. Maybe I was talking about boysenberry smoothies. Regardless of your beverage of choice, don’t ever bring a blender to work. That’s a no-no on par with “Don’t microwave fish in the break room.” Seriously, what made you think cod chowder was a good choice for your lunch at work? We all know it’s you. The nose, much like the hips, don’t lie. Stop it.
2. Do not tan on the roof during your lunch break.
Do you know what Hawaiian Tropic Sun Tan Oil smells like? Coconut and getting fired. You start lathering up in your cubicle for a mid-day bit of sunshine on the roof of your company, and they are going to fire you. Security won’t walk you out, they’ll probably push you out of the building with a stick, you’re so slick with suntan oil. Ridiculous.
3. Do not use Spring Break as an excuse to wear jorts to work.
A lot of companies have “Casual Friday.” Do you know what no company has? “Jorts Thursday.” You show up wearing jean cut-off shorts for work during Spring Break, and you’ll wish you had cargo pants on to fit your cubicle knick knacks in when they tell you to clean out your desk. There’s no such thing as “business jorts.” Trust me on this one please.
4. Do not ask a coworker to commemorate the week with a tattoo.
Is it tempting to ask someone you sit near to heat up a bic pen and give you a jailhouse style tattoo so you’ll never forget your cubicle during Spring Break? Sure it is. We’ve all been there. But what are you going to get? A really ballin’ stapler? A tattoo of the printer that collates and scans? The sun setting over your company with a sailboat in the distance and the words “cubicles 4-eva” emblazoned across your bicep? No. Don’t.
I suppose it’s possible that despite having your first real job, living at home with your parents or working in a cubicle, you could take a traditional Spring Break with your college friends. But if not, don’t despair my Liger flealess friend. The real world has something amazing hidden in it –paid vacation days.
You go on vacation, and they pay you!
Go to the beach? You’re getting paid.
Ski trip? Paid.
Staycation at home to catch up on a Gilmore Girls Marathon? Paid.
You get to vacation like a boss when you’re out of college. And that just might be sweeter than any boysenberry smoothie you’ll ever have in Cabo.
