How to Tell if You’re Dating a Preacher
There is but one mighty trophy that exists in the brutal competition known as the Christian dating world—that of the young preacher as husband/wife. Wishes have been made, secret séances have been conducted, and felonies have been committed, all in the name of landing a preacher as a spouse. Of this, I am certain.
But how can you tell when that fine young lad or lass you’re interested in has designs on entering the ministry, or is just a good ol’ Christian soul? The subtle nuances can be daunting. Kinda like when Dr. Quinn had to decide if Sully was right for her or just a good-looking white boy who thought he might be a Native American (actually…it’s not anything like that). With that in mind, I present to you, “Cory Copeland’s Guide on How to Tell if You’re Dating a Preacher”:
1. If they do…take over two minutes to pray for the meal.
Let’s just be honest here: We’re a hungry people, we Christians; we like our food. And when we pray for our food, it’s usually a mumbled mess of hasty thanks, and then we’re quickly digging in to our bountiful blessings. But the preachers? No, no, no. They’ll eloquently bless the crap out of a meal until all those within earshot can no longer hear the prayer over the roar of their own stomach’s growling. There is no debating me here.
2. If they don’t…mind being asked to say a little something to the congregation at a moment’s notice.
Most of us would rather have our toes gnawed off by Gollum than be called up to the platform without any prior notice. However, a preacher-in-training is always ready to share a quick word from the Lord. Their color-coded-according-to-importance highlighted Bible is perpetually open to that one Scripture they’ve had a particularly poignant thought on—even if that same thought has been shared 47 other times before. Preachers are like Henry Rowengartner; they’re always ready to bring the heat.
3. If they do…quote scriptures in response to every day questions.
You ask: “How’ve you been doing?”
They respond: “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, brother”
You’re nodding solemnly right now because you know this happens way too often.
4. If they don’t…spend less than an hour on their hair.
Preachers have to look good, okay? They’re up in front of groups of people for hours at a time, and for this to be acceptable, they usually feel the need to spend at least 90 minutes in front of the mirror while using three bottles of product to get that, “Just got a touch from Jesus” glow. It’s their thing, okay? Back off.
5. If they do…set their Bible in-between you and them while on dates.
Because, even if they are holier than you, you can’t be trusted to keep your hands off them, you hooligan. The Bible softly nestled between you guys while you watch Beauty and the Beast should deter you from having any of those silly notions, like that hussy Belle did.
This simple little guideline should get you started on the right path toward figuring out if you’re truly dating a wanna-be preacher or not. If it doesn’t work, that’s what you get for listening to a guy who religiously watched Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman and cried tears of joy when Sully and the good doctor finally tied the knot (I regret nothing).
What sign would you say might tip you off that you’re dating a preacher?
(If you enjoyed this blog from Cory, check out his blog at MadtoLove.com.)