Not making a Christian version of "50 Shades of Gray."

Dear Christian Community,

Can you and I please agree to never make a Christian version of the book 50 Shades of Gray?

Can we come together, maybe even do life together, walk through a season, perhaps avoid a slippery slope, and promise each other that we won’t publish our own version?

It’s going to be tempting. It’s sold millions and millions of copies. There will doubtless be a movie version that has Hollywood’s Brian Dennehy in it. We could definitely co-opt a lot of momentum by sliding in, adding some Bibley flavor, and creating a Christian edition.

As a reader named Bryan pointed out last week, the title even writes itself, 50 Shades of Grace. According to Amazon, the lead character in the trilogy of books is even named “Christian!” The books are number 1, 2, and 3 on Amazon right now, and my local bookstore was stocking 600 copies a day and couldn’t keep them in stock. The first book has over 7,800 reviews on Amazon, which is approximately 7,600 more than my book Quitter.

But fight it. Resist the temptation to do what we did to the fine folks at the milk association. Before the milk mustaches had even cooled on their “Got Milk?” campaign, we had rushed to the presses with “Got God?” shirts. And stickers. And mugs. And candles that smelled like sandalwood.

Now, I’m not an unreasonable man. I’m willing to make some compromises. If you agree to not make a Christian version of “50 Shades of Gray,” I will in turn, give you other popular books you could Christianize instead. Such as these:

What to Expect When You’re Expecting = “What to expect when you’re expecting a really awesome quiet time.” (Whole book is about picking out a good journal.)

Unbroken = “God Spoken.” (This one is nice because it’s just the Bible with a new cover. That’s all you have to do.)

The Catcher in the Rye = “Catcher in the Sky.” (This book is about God placing all the stars in the sky.)

The Great Gatsby = “The Great Saulsy.” (Not going to lie, that name is clunky, but inside the pages, this book has a heart of gold. Think about it: An out of control king, trying to get people to love him and respect him. What did the people see in David that they didn’t see in him? He built an empire in his name, only to lose it all… The Great Saulsy!)

A Game of Thrones  = “A Game of Throne. There’s only one true king and, therefore, one throne.” (This one is perfect because all you have to do is delete an “S.” Boom! Cover is done.)

I could do this all day, but the point is, we don’t need a Christian alternative to 50 Shades of Gray. (And I can speak from experience, having created this blog as an alternative to another one.)

We can do this Christian community. I know we can. Don’t let me walk into a Christian bookstore in six months and see a book called 12 Tribes of Gray.

Sincerely,
Jon

Question:
Do you agree? Do you think we need to avoid making a Christian version of 50 Shades of Gray?