Sometimes I struggle with a new topic to write about on SCL.
I brainstorm and scribble down ideas on paper and wrack my brain for a post idea.
I pace the house and wring my hands in frustration.
On other days, a new topic is hand delivered to me in Nicolas Cage gift wrap.
Today is one of those days.
According to a variety of media sources, Nicolas Cage is thinking about remaking the Left Behind movie series. The potential awesomeness is hard to capture in words, but I’m still going to try.
Since Cage is probably new to the Christian sphere (it’s not a dome, a lot of people make that mistake), I thought I’d help him out with 21 things he needs to know about the Left Behind movie:
1. Kirk Cameron needs to make a cameo.
2. Tim Tebow should have a cameo as well. He can throw a football to some kid who raptures as he catches it.
3. If you want to attract Christian singles to attend the movie, then, in the ads, don’t say, “Come alone if you’ve been given the gift of singleness that Paul had!” They frown on that.
4. For the exciting scenes that kind of start off slow and then build to loud action packed fantasticness, use music from Mumford & Sons.
5. If you need any extras, use Hillsong. That band is awesome and there are 92 people in it.
6. Everyone in the film should be wearing Toms.
7. The only swear you can have in the movie is “hell.” Christians get a free pass on that one if used in the proper context. Like “This feels like hell on earth.”
8. Since the movie is about the end of the world, beware the temptation to constantly put an “S” on “Revelation.” It’s Revelation 4:2, not “Revelations 4:2.”
9. Resist the urge to have John Travolta trade faces with you in Left Behind. He’s a Scientologist, and we believe some pretty different things.
10. There’s a pastor’s kids union that you have to work with. You can pay them in bootleg VBS cookies.
11. It includes Katy Perry.
12. And Daniel Tosh.
13. And Jon Acuff.
14. Make sure there’s not a single crew neck t-shirt in the entire movie. Unless maybe for one of the bad guys. They could wear mock turtlenecks for all I care, but Christians are all about the deep v-neck.
15. You’ll probably need to film it in Nashville, Tennessee, which is the shiny belt buckle of the Bible Belt.
16. Or you could film it in Colorado Springs, which is the Western Bible Belt.
17. Make sure no one in the movie shares a front hug. Christians prefer side hugs, with a few blessing pats if possible. Don’t act like you didn’t read the Stuff Christians Like book, Cage.
18. Don’t expect great ticket sales on Sunday. That’s the Sabbath. Or maybe it’s Saturday. Some punk Christian is going to correct you on that point 1 million times.
19. Know that cool Christians are going to judge you unfairly. We like to hold the creators of Christian films, who have budgets of $92, to the production values of Transformers.
20. It’s been a while since I read Left Behind, so I forget if you have a lion in it or not, but there should be. We love lions.
21. And hobbits, you’re going to need one of those too.
I don’t know if Nicolas Cage reads this blog. I like to think so, since a lot of the clues in National Treasure seemed based on my Vacation Bible School theme ideas, but whatever.
If you know him, feel free to pass it on to him.
Better yet, what advice would you give Nicolas Cage about remaking Left Behind?
