One of the most popular Stuff Christians Like posts of all time was #550. Surviving church as a single. But one time, a friend who is single came to town for the holidays and I realized I had missed whole chunks of awkwardness in describing the bottomless joy that is “Being single during Christmas at church.”
So instead of simply remixing an old post, I decided to create a holiday-focused scorecard. Think of it like a seasonal ale they put nutmeg in during January. It only comes around this time of year. Without further ado, I give you:
Being single during Christmas at church:
1. Someone tells you, “It’s tough to be alone this time of year.” = +1 point
2. They pat your head while they say that. = +2 points
3. They slap your butt like a football player after saying it. = + creepy
4. With bated breath, they ask, “Should I put you down as +1 for the Christmas party this year?” = +2 points
5. You good friends hold secret “couples holiday dinners” they don’t invite you to because they don’t want you to feel awkward. = + 3 points
6. They wince when the world’s worst commercials, Jared’s jewelry, come on TV and some horrible actress gets engaged right in front of you. = +4 points
7. If you’re divorced they tell you, “I think this year you should really ‘focus on you.’” = +1 point
8. They try desperately to find the silver lining and say things like, “It must be nice not to have to shop for anyone. My husband is so hard to get gifts for!” = +2 points
9. When you tell them you’re OK being single during Christmas, they give you a look that says, “You are such a liar. It’s impossible to be happy and single during Christmas!” = +2 points
10. They feel slightly guilty for watching romantic Christmas movies in your presence, like “Love Actually.” = +3 points
11. Someone tells you, “Being single doesn’t have to mean being lonely.” = +2 points
12. Your friends have stopped saying “When you get married” because they’re not sure you’ve got it in you. = +1 point
13. Your friends now say, “If you get married.” = +2 points
14. Your friends now give you the marriage kiss of death and simply say, “God willing.” = + 3 points
15. You are given some sort of cross stitched artwork that contains the verses from Proverbs 31 about how a woman should be. = +2 points
16. People tell you, “Maybe this will be your year” in the same tone baseball fans wonder if the Cubs will finally win the World Series this year. = +2 points
17. You attend a holiday themed church singles event that is billed as “Not just a Christian version of speed dating,” but is in fact, a Christian version of speed dating. = + 1 point
18. A friend emailed you the link to this post because they knew you needed it. = + 1 point
19. A friend emailed you the link to this post and suggested you troll the comments to find other like minded single people. = +2 points
20. A friend you only see once a year during the holidays, uses the S word when hearing you’re single. “Still?” = +1 point
21. People spend an exorbitant amount of time telling you marriage success stories, e.g. “The instant my friend Jill stopped looking for a boyfriend this incredible guy came along and swept her off her feet.” = + 1 point
22. You’re divorced and someone gives you the incredibly encouraging advice, “God will bring you someone who will overlook your past.” = + 2 points
23. This is the first Christmas you realized you officially crossed the age threshold. Instead of people saying, “You’re young, it will happen!” they now say, “Maybe you’re called to be single.” = +5 points
24. Someone makes a horrible joke about how this Christmas, you got the “gift of celibacy.” = +10 points
25. Married friends feel compelled to over tell you how difficult marriage is so that you don’t feel like it’s a winter wonderland of constant awesomeness. = +3 points
26. If you were given a kitten for Christmas people automatically think, “That was a doorway cat. You’re about to become the crazy cat lady.” = +5 points
27. For Christmas, someone gave you a book about dating that had a man or woman, alone on the cover staring out over a lonely windswept horizon, eating a Campbell’s soup for one, probably listening to the haunting melodies of George Winston. = +2 points
28. For Christmas, your friends bought you an annual pass to eharmony.com or another dating site. Your oldest relative asks “Are you on the Tender?” = + 5 points
29. They filled out your dating profile for you and made you sound 97% more awesome than you actually are. = +10 points
30. The profile photo they used on your dating page is at least 10 years old. = +20 points
31. At a Christmas party, someone tells you the wildly inappropriate compliment, “Where were you when I was single?” = + 2 points
32. People try to romanticize the tremendous amounts of free time you must have during the holidays without a family to bother you. = +3 points
Did I miss any? A lot of these were based on great reader comments, from folks like Ash and many others, so all the thanks go to them.
How did you score?
Have you ever heard anything like that?
What’s the craziest “single comment” you’ve heard?
