Never invite this guy to your Christmas party.
He is even more annoying than the friend who doesn’t even own a TV and tells you that constantly when you’re not even talking about TV. (And we know you watch Hulu, or Netflix or Youtube. Quit acting like you’re a 4th century Desert Father.)
Upon entering your home, the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday will proceed to do exactly that:
“Oh, you’ve got a Christmas tree? Didn’t realize you were into celebrating the winter solstice. Interesting. Are you doing that because you’re recognizing the Egyptian tradition of decorating the house with palm branches to symbolize resurrection? Or does your family swing more Northern European? Is your Christmas tree a shout out to the Germanic god Woden? Or perhaps a Roman tribute to Bacchus? Wait, don’t tell me, don’t tell me. It’s the Greeks and Adonia, isn’t it? I felt like I was getting an ancient Greek vibe in here.
What’s that you’ve got hanging over the entryway? Mistletoe? Or as I call it, “Pagan Fertility Plant.” Babylon in the house!
And do I smell ham? Are we having a Christmas ham? That will be delicious. But then you know that is a symbol of Tammuz who was fatally wounded by the tusk of a boar. Pagans started that tradition by sacrificing a boar on this pagan holiday. What do you serve with a big plate of meat heresy? Mashed potatoes? What’s the side dish in that situation?
Red and green? Occultic colors!
Yule log? A reference to the sun god!
Easter bunny? A shout out to Semirarmis, a symbol of fertility!
Sorry, that last one got away from me a little bit. I was just on a roll.”
And so the night goes. Try as you might to explain the holly wreath on your front door as a symbol of “me liking the smell of balsam,” you will be shot blocked into submission.
Though this guy is annoying, there are three things I can agree with him on:
1. It’s easy to lose sight of the real meaning of the season in the face of consumerism.
2. It’s inconsistent to call Halloween “Satan’s Birthday,” and label it a pagan holiday, and then four weeks later front hug a Christmas tree like there was one in the manger the night Jesus was born.
3. The best Christmas album ever made is Mariah Carey’s.
Have you ever run into the guy who tells you Christmas is a pagan holiday?